The Gift Question

Q: How do we handle grandparents and other relatives/friends who want to buy our kids things that we’d rather our kids not have, such as electronics, which we restrict most of the time at home. We don’t want to monitor their usage of an electronic device we didn’t want them to have anyway. I know they are well-intentioned, but our kids would be as happy with a gift card to the local bookstore. What are your suggestions for how to approach this topic?

A: One Christmas when our oldest was around five or six, one of my sisters gave her a Care Bear “exercise” doll that stood on its own and moved up and down, saying things like, “Exercise is great!” and “Let’s get physical,” a la Olivia Newton John’s hit song. Now, I knew by this sister’s wicked gleam in her eye that she figured the Care Bear wouldn’t go over so well with my husband or me. Yes, that bear was very annoying but I decided to see how it played out with my daughter.

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Sure enough, the first forty-eight hours were pure agony hearing that bear’s squeaky voice talk about getting physical. But a funny thing happened once the newness of the bear’s animatronics wore off. My daughter tried to play with it as a regular doll, but it was too stiff “at rest,” so the bear was soon left behind, un-played with and lonely in the toy box. A month after that, I was able to quietly remove the bear and put it in our yard sale box. My daughter never missed it.

Sometimes, the gift that we dread our children receiving ends up not being a big deal after all. Other times, we do have to step in to curtail usage. You won’t know which you’ll have to do until the gift is given.

However, that doesn’t mean you don’t have a conversation with your relatives about toys. Don’t begin it with “We don’t allow…” or end it with “so please don’t buy them that.” Instead, talk about what your kids do like to do. Mention how much fun they have spending time with grandparents, aunts and uncles. When asked about gifts, you could suggest replacing another toy with a one-on-one outing with the relative. I know my own children have relished birthday gifts that were simply an outing with their grandmother or aunt and uncle, such as a trip to the circus or ballet. The outing itself doesn’t have to be spectacular—keep in mind that some of our best memories are from the small things in life, like an ice cream cone while walking around the neighborhood or a drive through a park to look at Christmas lights.

Also help your children develop their own wish lists that are reasonable and practical. For example, we remind our children that nothing on their list should cost more than $30, as that helps keep their greed in check and is respectful of others’ finances.

And for those gifts that don’t meet parental approval? Let them play with it, but put the same restrictions on it that you would have if you had purchased it. Remember that the relatives are likely only thinking of your child and are not out to undermine your parental authority. Always assume the best intentions unless you have hard evidence otherwise—and enjoy the blessings of having family who care enough to bestow gifts on your children. (Don’t forget to have those children write prompt thank-you notes, too.)