Who Motivates Whom?

Q: My 9-year-old son (a triplet) is in third grade (as is his sister and brother). Lately, his grades have declined into Bs and Cs. All of his teachers say that his behavior in class is the reason for the drop in grades, which is that he struggles to stay focused on class work (they even mentioned the possibility that he might have ADD). At a recent meeting with his teachers, we all agreed to work together on his behavior: They will let me know if he isn’t meeting expectations behavior-wise at school, while I will enforce consequences at home.

If he’s not interested in something, he barely puts any effort into it and won’t stay on task. He’s the same with chores as he is with school work. Two months ago, I removed all video games but that has ceased to motivate him. Currently, I make him study for 45 minutes to an hour each school night, but he only puts in minimal effort. His teachers say he’s smart, and with focus, I think he could get straight As. What suggestions do you have to motivate him to do better in school?

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A: The simple answer is that he won’t be motivated to do better in school until he has a “reason” to do so. As you say, he's simply not interested in doing what he is capable of doing. You don’t say what behaviors he exhibits in school other than he seems unfocused on his work.

However, he won’t become motivated himself as long as you’re “making” him study for 45 minutes to an hour each night. Why are you involved so much in his homework? Until you give him complete control over his school work and homework, he will not care one iota about it. He knows that you are more concerned about his grades than he is.

Being in third grade means there’s plenty of time for him to get himself in gear academically. But--and this is a huge but--you and his teachers have to be prepared to let him sink or swim on his own.

Have a meeting with his teachers. Say you appreciate their concern, but that you think--and they have backed you up on this by saying that he’s capable of doing the work--your son needs complete ownership of his third-grade work. State that you will no longer be making sure he does his homework, that you expect the teachers to give him the grade his work deserves, and that you are fully prepared for him to repeat third grade if his effort falls short of the benchmark. Be prepared for shock and perhaps dismay, but stand firm. Also expect that he might repeat third grade if he completely flubs the rest of the year.

Tell your son that you’re sorry for your over-involvement in what is his domain—his school work—and that from now on, you are going to let him handle his homework, projects, tests, etc. You will be available for any questions, but his school work is his business and his alone. Add that you have informed his teachers that you fully support whatever grade your son’s work deserves, and that you also support his repeating third grade if his performance at school doesn’t turn around.

Then stop talking about it. Let him tell you about his day, but don’t ask about his homework, etc. (and this should encompass his siblings as well--you don’t need to be involved in their school work or homework, either!). When report cards come home, meet with each child individually to talk about the grades in a FYI-type manner.

Remember, repeating third grade isn’t the end of the world, especially since you are giving your son a lesson that will last a lifetime—that he is responsible for his own actions, whether that be behavior or school work. That’s a lesson worth learning on his own.