It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas!

With Christmas around the corner, I'm taking my annual break from this blog to practice what I write--and spend time with my family. We'll sing Christmas carols, see our neighbors' lights and bake cookies. We'll visit family and friends, read the story of the birth of Jesus Christ and open presents.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Until 2014,
Sarah

An Insulting Situation

Q: My daughter insults me any chance she gets. For example, when I offered to help with college applications, she said she didn’t need any assistance from a housewife. My heart is broken by this constant stream of insulting behavior. My husband words long hours and tries to stay out of this, but it’s gotten to the point that I don’t even want to talk to her! What can I do?

A: Quite a lot, as it turns out. Since your daughter’s likely a senior (the college applications were a clueJ), I’m not sure there’s much you can do to change her attitude—the only person who can change that is your daughter.

But that doesn’t mean there’s nothing you can do to rectify the situation. Start by stop playing the game. Make no mistake, your reaction is partly to blame. Not that she has any right to insult you, but because of how you react to her insults, she has gotten addicted to finding ways to get that reaction. So to cut down on the insults, cut down on your participation. It takes two to play this game, but if you stop playing, she’ll lose interest.

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Remember, teenagers, especially teen girls, are drama queens. Your reaction to her insults feeds the drama machine and thus keeps the cycle of insults/reactions going on and on and on. Deprive those insults of their oxygen and your daughter’s insults will slowly “starve” away.

If you must reply to her, simply raise your eyebrows and murmur, “hmmm, interesting” or something vague. Then walk away. Don’t respond to anything insulting she says with less than a noncommittal answer—but only do this once. She’ll try to follow you to engage the game, but just keep walking away. Go in your room and close the door in her face if you have to.

By not playing the game with her, you will step off the rollercoaster and leave her to stew in her own juices. Soon, she will tire of playing a game that doesn’t go her way, and her insults will lessen. Continue this each time she’s defiant and disrespectful, and you’ll develop a more calm attitude toward her.

Coming in early 2014, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on Parenting With Love & Leadership in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.

Expecting Christmas

Do you sometimes see December 25 on the calendar and want to run in the opposite direction? How many gingerbread men, holiday parties and bows affixed to presents does one have to endure in a few short weeks?

Sometimes we get caught up in making sure our family’s Christmas Is. The. Best. Ever. And in the process, we lose something of our ourselves as we rush hither and yon in search of the perfect present, the perfect tree, the perfect holiday party outfit and the perfect Christmas cookie. Often, what we’re really running around for is not to please ourselves but to meet the expectations of others, spoken or perceived.

We picture what an ideal Christmas should look like, no matter that our family doesn’t like to sing carols, or that Junior is allergic to pine needles. We carry that image around in our minds and measure everything we do to ensure that it meets an impossible vision of Christmas.

What we end up being is simply exhausted, frustrated and grumpy when we should be happy, relaxed and joyful during this season of celebrating our families, friends and the birth of our Savior.

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FreeDigitalPhotos.net

It doesn’t have to be like that. You can jump off the Christmas merry-go-round and have the Christmas you really want, leaving behind those expectations that tangle us up in knots much like last year’s tree lights. My article, “Great (Christmas) Expectations,” on Crosswalk.com gives some simple ways to unchain ourselves from the expectations of others and to truly love this season of joy.

Remember that you and your family should be the only ones to decide what Christmas will look like—it doesn’t have to be postcard perfect, it doesn’t have to have what’s always been done if no one enjoys that, and it doesn’t have to be what you think is required. It just has to be what fits your family and your schedule.

Until next time,

Sarah

Early in 2014, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on Parenting With Love & Leadership in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.

Sitting Still

Q: How can I get my three and six year olds to sit still? We have a hard time going out to eat or even attending a short children’s program without them popping up constantly like a Jack in the box.

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A: The short answer is by training them. Now before you think I’m equating kids with dogs, let me explain. Children are not born with the ability to act like civilized human beings. That’s the job of parents—to turn little beasts into courteous boys and girls.

But that doesn’t happen overnight and it doesn’t happen without a plan and effort. So here’s one way you can accomplish your goal of having kids who can sit quietly in a variety of settings.

First, remember that this will take some time. I’m assuming you haven’t done much in the training department in this regard, so give your kids time to adjust to the new requirements.

Second, practice at home. Kids do well with role-playing, so practice how to sit in a restaurant at your kitchen table. Also help your child learn to entertain himself quietly by giving him time throughout the day to color, look at a book, etc. This will help him occupy himself when you need him sitting in a chair.

Third, stash a “quiet bag” in your car for each kid. This small bag should have a few books, doodle pads, a small bag of crayons and coloring book, lace ups, etc. When you know you’ll be someplace where the kids have to sit still, bring along the quiet bag for his entertainment. Having one for each child will also cut down on squabbles over the items.

Fourth, start small and build on those success. Begin with having a child sit quietly at home for 5 minutes (use a kitchen timer if that will help), then work your way slowly up to half an hour or so.

So take the time to train your kids on how to sit still—it’s time well spent.

Until next time,

Sarah

Coming in early 2014, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on Parenting With Love & Leadership in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.

The Green Eyed Monster

This time of year, it’s difficult for kids to fight the envy and jealousy that can overcome them like the waves on the sand. With advertisements bombarding us from all angles telling us how much happier we’d be if we only had X, it’s no wonder children have trouble with giving and not getting during the month of December.

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But don’t despair! There are some things parents can do to help kids keep that green-eyed monster caged.

1. Focus on the season, not the gifts. Yes, it’s hard to not think about what you want for Christmas! However, if we as parents only talk about the buying, wrapping and distributing of gifts, we’re showing our kids that the most important thing about this time of year is the presents. Make sure the intangibles, such as visits with far-flung relatives, decorating the tree as a family, and giving to someone else in need, are front and center with the gifts taking second place.
2. Stack your time with family-oriented, free events. Devise a game to see who can come up with the best free, holiday-themed outing for the entire family. Things like driving around the neighborhood to look at the lights or visiting the mall only to see the displays can be fun things that don’t cost anything.
3. Have a “I’m thankful for…” jar. Decorate a container with an open lid and put it on the kitchen counter labeled “What I’m thankful for....” Provide a pen and slips of paper for family members to jot down their thoughts in words or pictures. Then pick a night in December to sit around the tree and read the notes.
4. Make thank you notes a part of the season. We have a motto about thank you notes: If you can’t write the note, you don’t keep the gift. That has kept complaining pretty much nonexistence and it has helped them to remember that someone took the time to buy that present especially for them.

The main thing is to think back to your own childhood Christmases. What brings a smile to your face today? Was mostly specific presents? Or was it the memories of making gingerbread with your grandmother, the crisp winter air that tingled your nose as you went caroling with your siblings, or the laughter as you played a family game? Remembering that those are the kind memories your children will cherish can help you not get carried away by the material aspects—nice as they are—of this season.

How do you help your children not be consumed by the green-eyed monster?

Until next time,

Sarah

Early in 2014, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on Parenting With Love & Leadership in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.

Count Your Blessings

With Thanksgiving a mere two days away, I hope you will join me in counting your blessings. Whether you’ve had a really good year so far or a lousy one, each one of us has a reason to be grateful.

But if you need some encouragement to focus on the positive instead of the negative, here are a few of my favorites.

1. Having a thankful heart is the antidote to greed. We all know that being grateful for what you have can ease the grip of envy, but what we don’t often fully understand is that it also breeds contentment. And contentment keeps a check on wanting more “stuff.” Whether it’s buying more stuff for others or ourselves, being thankful for what we have can help us during this season so often marked by marketers trying to entice us to want what we don’t have.
2. Intangibles are better than tangibles. Our families, friends, and fellowship are better for our overall being than more things. Use this season to make sure you’ve told the important people in your life how much they mean to you. If you need to reconcile with anyone, don’t let the year slip away without making amends.
3. Thankfulness makes you happier. There’s probably a study done that supports this with empirical evidence, but gratitude changes your outlook on life.
4. Thankfulness isn’t a feeling, it’s an attitude. You might not feel thankful, but you can become thankful simply by deciding you will list your blessings. Start with the obvious ones—your family, your home, your health, your job, etc. If you don’t have one of those, don’t wallow on that but focus instead on what you do have.
5. Write it down. Make a list of your top 10 things for which to be thankful and tack it up on your fridge or bathroom mirror. Visit it often, adding to it as you think of new things for which to be grateful. There’s nothing like being reminded in black and white of your blessings.
6. Get your kids involved. Come up with a family list of blessings. You’ll be surprised with what your children will say. Turning this into a family affair and let the creative juices flow.

Image courtesy of debspoons/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I’ll close with that old hymn, “Count Your Blessings.” When you are tempted to complain this holiday season, think of these words and realign your heart with thankfulness.

Count Your Blessings

By Jonathan Oatman Jr.

Public Domain

Verse 1

When upon life’s billows you are tempest-tossed,
When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
Count your many blessings, name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.

Refrain:
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
Count your blessings, see what God hath done!
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
Count your many blessings, see what God hath done.

Verse 2

Are you ever burdened with a load of care?
Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?
Count your many blessings, every doubt will fly,
And you will keep singing as the days go by.

Verse 3

When you look at others with their lands and gold,
Think that Christ has promised you His wealth untold;
Count your many blessings—money cannot buy
Your reward in heaven, nor your home on high.

Verse 4

So, amid the conflict whether great or small,
Do not be discouraged, God is over all;
Count your many blessings, angels will attend,
Help and comfort give you to your journey’s end.

Until next week,

Sarah

Coming in early 2014, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on Parenting With Love & Leadership in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.

A Terror At School

Q: My kindergartner is having trouble adjusting to school. He behaves at home because I make it clear I won’t tolerate misbehavior, but at school, he is out of control. School policy is to not restrict such a child, so no teacher is stepping in when he starts throwing things or destroying the classroom. Any suggestions for how to get him to behave in school?

A. The good news is that he’s shown he can control himself. After all, he does so at home. It’s likely he’s discovered that he can get way with bad behavior at school and that has feed his inner monster.

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

The other good news is that at this age, you can delay punishment for several days, so you can certainly institute consequences at home for misbehavior at school. Meet with the teacher and ask her to implement a simple, weekly behavior chart. My kindergartner brings home such a chart each day, with the day’s block colored in to show his behavior.

Print out such a chart and send it to school each Monday with your son. It’s his responsibility to give it to his teacher in the morning and to get it from her in the afternoon. Even five-year-olds can do this on their own.

The teacher rates his behavior on a color scale or numeral scale agreed upon. Only a full positive rating will be acceptable. Anytime the teacher indicates misbehavior at school, he receives punishment at home. If he fails to bring home the chart, then it’s the same as if he had misbehaved.

When he does bring home a chart indicating misbehavior, make the consequences memorable. For a five-year-old, confining him to his room (stripped of play value), an earlier-than-usual dinner and to bed directly afterwards usually makes a good impression.

If you’re consistent with the consequences, he’ll modify his behavior—eventually. He’s had a good run with being the classroom terror, so don’t expect overnight changes. But he will probably straighten up within a month or so.

PS: Don’t forget to give his teacher a little bit extra for the holidays—she probably wanted to do more, but many public schools hamstring their teachers so much that she can’t effectively curb such behavior.  

Coming in early 2014, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on Parenting With Love & Leadership in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.

Watch Out!

Over the summer, my children and I often went to yard sales together. The girls especially loved to “shop” at the sales. One Saturday morning, I ended up with all four kids accompanying me on a round of garage sales. We stopped at an estate sale, but before we could even enter, someone running the sale barred our entrance. Apparently, children weren’t welcome in the house, probably because too many kids these days run wild throughout public places, smashing into things and people with abandon.

Of course, I couldn’t tell the man that my kids knew how to keep their hands to themselves, because I’m sure he’d heard it before. After all, haven’t you often seen children running around like holy terrors in restaurants or in department stores with their parents seemingly oblivious to their destruction?

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Knowing what your child is doing at any given moment is part of a parent’s job. Yes, we can’t watch our children 24/7, but when we’re in public places, we should be attuned enough to our children’s behavior that we can step in immediately if there’s a problem.

We pad our children within an inch of their lives to ride bikes and scooters, yet we often fail to equip them with the proper training to go out in public. Common courtesy demands that we as a collective society learn to curb our children in public (and private, but that’s a topic for another blog).

It doesn’t take much to show a child how to behave—and then to follow-up misbehaviors with proper consequences. But some parents seem to think it’s not their job to do the training or even pay close attention to their children in a public setting.

Sure, it does take a village to raise a child, but that doesn’t mean a parent abdicates her responsibility to do most of the hard work herself. It’s not a totally thankless role, but it’s one that often gets overlooked in today’s busyness.

So please don’t neglect this important part of raising children. Those of us who share this world with you offer our heartfelt thanks of appreciation for a job well done.

Until next time,

Sarah

Coming in early 2014, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on Parenting With Love & Leadership in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.

Kicking It

Q. I need to do something to stop my preteen’s (12 year old) ongoing disrespect of me. It has now spilled over to other adults, such as his insulting our dinner guests last week. I am considering taking away his prized, brand-new camera, as it is long past time to teach him a lesson in this area. Your thoughts?

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A. No disrespect, but this blatant disrespect needs more than a token consequence. Taking away his prized camera is only a token consequence. What this boy needs pronto is to be kicked, as in Kicked Out of The Garden. His wake-up call needs to be loud and long to stop his slid into a degenerate teenager—which is where he is headed unless you stop pussyfooting around and get down to business.

First of all, kicking him out of his garden is no more than stripping his life down to the essentials. That means all of his possessions except for a few basic items of clothing and school gear (backpack, notebooks, etc., but no computers, electronics of any kind, music, sports activities, after school activities, etc.) will be put in storage or at least in a place inaccessible to him.

Then put up a 30-block chart on the refrigerator. Each day he’s not disrespectful gets a block crossed off at bedtime. You’ll need to be specific, such as “You are to answer me yes or no ma’am when spoken to,” etc. Tell him that the 30-day chart starts over anytime he’s disrespectful to you. When he can go the full 30 days without being disrespectful, he gets back his least favorite item or privilege. Each day after the 30 that he’s not disrespectful, he gets back another item or privilege, starting with what he values the least to what he values the most.

This should cure him after some false starts. However, please remember two things. 1) He may never get back all of his stuff/privileges. Some kids would rather wallow in misery than admit someone else has authority over them. 2) It’s up to him to change. You can’t change him. All you can do is establish what you expect and what you won’t tolerate.

Some might call this plan of attack overkill, but you have a hoodlum in training who needs a jolt to learn how to control his tongue and attitude. This is for his own good as well as for the good of your family. It’s time to kick things into high gear and reboot his life. No halfway measures will do.

Coming in early 2014, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on Parenting With Love & Leadership in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.

Parenting Basics: “What’s the Magic Word?”

Grandma was right! There is an easy way and a hard way to raise kids. By and large, today’s parents are choosing the hard way. This series of blogs will tackle familiar phrases that used to be commonplace but fell out of favor during the last few decades of the 20th century—and why parents should not be afraid to follow the sentiment expressed in the phrases.

Photo Credit: Jupiterimages/Stock Photos/Photos.com

I’m often asked how you teach manners. The simple answer is just like you teach everything else: by example and instruction. If you’re not minding your own manners, then your children aren’t going to mind theirs.

For example, my husband and I realized a while ago that we were not setting a good example at the dinner table. We were mumbling around food in our mouths and interrupting each other and our children. So we instituted a “game” that would call out the offender for those infractions in a fun way—and as a result, we’re all eating more pleasantly and not interrupting nearly as often as before.

Start teaching manners when your children are young and add to the expectations as they grow. Parents have been using, “What’s the Magic Word?” to prompt usage of “please” for years, a phrase that is still in use today. That phrase works only on young children, though. Once a child is older, you should expect that he’ll remember to say “please” on his own. The prompting is for a toddler who doesn’t recall the proper way to ask and is more likely to demand than request.

Remember that manners are for others more than for oneself—and teaching our children respect, compassion, character, civilization and a better family through manners is no easy job. The small ways in which we honor others by thinking of them first--that's what manners are really about!--can often enrich the lives of others in ways we may never know.

So when it seems like no one else is instructing their children in manners, take heart and keep plugging away. Teaching manners is a gift we parents give to the community at large. Our job to civilize the little heathens that are our children can be thankless at times, but we are sowing seeds that will reap a harvest in the years to come. 

Training A Child to Speak Politely

Q: What would be a good way to teach children to address adults as either ma’am or sir? We live in the South, and this type of respect is very common. I want my two children, ages two and five, to do this as a sign of respect and a nod to our culture. But I’m always nagging my older child to add the ma’am and sir. I’m tired of sounding like a broken record. I don’t want to make this a big deal, but I want results and no more nagging!

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A: We, too, believe in adding ma’am and sir after yeses and nos, and it took a little time before our children caught on. We simply decided that it was a big deal and then worked on it with all of the kids at once (the youngest was around three at the time).

The easiest way to do this is to tell your children that you expect them to answer any adult—including you—with yes/no ma’am/sir. Inform the older child once, then stop giving second chances. No prompting, “Yes, what?” The younger one, you’ll need to make it more of a game, but he should follow the example of his older sibling in time.

When he doesn’t answer correctly by just saying, “Yes,” then send him directly to his room for an hour, keep him inside for an hour or pull the plug on a favorite TV show for the day—whatever you think will make an impression on him. At five, he’s plenty old enough to remember to say ma’am and sir.

With the holidays just around the corner, now is the perfect time for practicing his manners. Before we head out to go trick-or-treating, I remind my children that if they don’t remember to say, “Trick or Treat” and “Please,” and “Thank you,” when they knock on door—in a voice loud enough for us to hear them—then the candy they receive goes into Mom and Dad’s stash. That’s enough to make them overcome their “shyness” and remember their manners.

Coming in early 2014, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on Parenting With Love & Leadership in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.

Get Out the (Kids) Vote

Election Day always brings a fissure of excitement to our household, even years—like this one—that are not presidential or even congressional elections. We are a family that embraces any chance to vote for our local, state and federal governments as a chance to participate fully in this great nation of ours.

But on the so-called “off years,” those without federal candidates up for office, turnout is likely to be low, very low. I always take my kids whenever possible to the polls so that they can learn from an early age why voting matters. If our children see us not caring about who runs our local government, or our state, then why should they? If our kids see us only voting on the “big” elections, like the presidential ones, they will conclude that only those really matter.

And that would be a shame, because it’s the local elections that have the biggest impact on our daily lives. It’s the statewide elections that often dictate how our tax money is spent and how our schools are run. Each chance to cast your vote is a chance to put democracy into action.

For our kids, imparting that sense of responsibility about voting is the foundation of what makes a good citizen. By helping our children understand citizenship, we can start them on the path to being involved citizens when they grow up.

Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Here are some ways to instill a right understanding—and a love of voting—in your children.

Look at the historical record. There are many examples of men and women who changed the course of history through the political system. There are also instances of when one vote—or a few votes—made the difference in an election.

Debate the issues. With younger children, discuss what each candidate believes. For older kids, hold mock debates to bring the issues alive.

Join the cause. If you have older teens, they can participate in campaigning for a particular candidate alongside you. Walking neighborhoods, making phone calls and giving out literature can give them an appreciation for what it takes to run for office.

Let them vote with you. Don’t leave the kids at home when you go vote. I still remember the thrill of joining my mom in the old-fashioned voting booths, the ones with the little levers and the curtain that swooshed closed when you were inside. Those memories helped spur me to register to vote—and to exercise my right to cast a ballot.

You can read more about why we should teach our kids to vote in “Why we should teach our kids about the election process.”

Until next time,

Sarah

Early next year, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on Parenting With Love & Leadership in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.

Boo! Spooky Lessons From a Scary Holiday

To most kids, Halloween can be one of the best holidays ever. Dressing up, getting candy, staying up late—what could be better to a child? But sometimes, Halloween can be frightening to parents. What about the scary costumed older kids your little one may encounter? Will the candy be safe to eat? What about knocking on the doors of strangers—won’t that send the wrong message to my kids?

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Here are some tips to make Halloween safe and fun for your children.

1. Costume safety comes before fashion. If a hemline drags the ground, chances are your child will tip over sometime during the evening. If a mask is too loose, your kid might fall down, too. Make sure the costumes aren’t a walking hazard for your child and you’ll have an easier evening.
2. Stick to your own neighborhood. Unless you live in candy wasteland, resist the urge to go to the mall or another neighborhood to trick-or-treat. Part of the fun of Halloween is actually talking to your neighbors! Introduce yourselves and your kids, and be sure to say hello the next time you see him mowing the lawn.
3. Mind your manners. Remind your children to speak to the grownups who open their doors, saying “please” and “thank you.” Also, ask them not to grab big handfuls of candy from the offered bowl. We make it a rule that if we can’t hear the “thank you” from each child from our post a few feet away, then that candy is ours. We’ve never had to enforce that rule, come to think of it! Somehow, the kids manage to be pretty clear in their thanks.
4. Have a candy-eating policy before Halloween. We generally allow the kids to eat a lot of candy on Halloween itself. Then they can take a piece with their lunch until it’s gone. Sometimes that means Halloween candy is being consumed close to Christmas, but candy doesn’t go bad, right? The kids know that if they sneak candy, Mom and Dad get to eat the rest!
5. Giving is as good as receiving. Part of the fun for our family is returning home and handing out candy to those who knock on our door. All of our kids really enjoy this part of the evening and are disappointed if no one comes looking for candy.

Whatever your Halloween traditions, stay safe and have a sweet time! I know my Dorothy, Mary, Robin Hood and Dragon will.

Coming in early 2014, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on Parenting With Love & Leadership in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.

Scared Stiff

I was quite the scaredy cat as a child. Shadows in the night spooked me at times, and let’s not think about things that went bump in the darkness! Forget watching scary movies or even those with the barest hint of zombies, vampires, ghosts or goblins.

Some of my friends had no such qualms. The scarier the better for them. A moonless night and the sound of a lonely werewolf only brought howls of laughter, not shudders of fear.

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Things got pretty dark a few decades ago, but nothing like today’s saturation with darkness. Movies like World War Z, television shows like “The Walking Dead,” book and film series juggernauts like Twilight and Harry Potter have brought zombies, vampires and wizardry into vogue.

With so much dark stuff surrounding us on a regular basis, it can be easy to forget that children of all ages can find such things disturbing or scary. Rather than assume our kids are fine with the images and increasingly life-like skeletons, zombies and vampires, we should use these encounters to remind them that these things especially visible this time of year are not real.

We kept an eye on how our children reacted to scary things and either avoided houses with more realistic Halloween decorations or visited in the daytime so that the child could clearly see it wasn’t real. How are some ways you’ve handled a scared child this time of year?

Until next time,

Sarah

Early next year, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on Parenting With Love & Leadership in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.

Parental Postings

Most parents think nothing of uploading information and photos of their children on social media, but are they overlooking the risk factors? We have chosen not to post any photographs or images of our children with the rare exception if the picture doesn’t show their face at all. We also don’t list our children’s full names, only their first initial, in postings.

Are we especially paranoid? Or just a bit odd? We freely acknowledge that we are outside the norm, given how many photos of children proliferate Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, and other social media and websites. And we certainly don’t expect everyone to follow our lead—that’s a decision each family needs to make on their own.

But here’s some food for thought: each time a photo or story about your child is uploaded, that image or mention will likely follow your child around forever. As we’ve learned over the years, once something is out there in cyberspace, it can take on a life of its own. Yes, there are things you can do to mitigate that, by removing GPS tags, by keeping on top of the ever-changing privacy rules for Facebook and other social media sites.

I’ve come up with a few questions I like to ask myself before sharing anything about my children in any type of public forum—whether it’s in an article, to a group of moms, on Facebook or in a book.

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Will my child be embarrassed to have this story overheard today? Next year? As an adult? Sometimes, things that would embarrass our child today would be okay in a few weeks or even years. Other times, it’s an incident that might be best left within the family.

Is this gossip? We often don’t think that we can gossip about our own family, but we can. Thinking about our stories and images of our children as potential gossip can curtail our impulse to post.

Am I sharing this story or photo because I want to “show-off” my child? If you’re after merely a response or “likes” for the photo, then maybe you’re not posting for the right reasons.

What is my motive for sharing this particular image or story? This is even tougher for those of us with home-based businesses or how are self-employed. As a parent coach and someone who writes about parenting, I have to be careful about what stories I use from my own family and which ones I keep locked in the family vault, so to speak.

These questions are a good place to start when thinking about to post or not to post. For more in-depth coverage of this issue, read “Pictures of Your Kids: To Post or to Pass?”

Until next time,

Sarah

Early next year, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on Parenting With Love & Leadership in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.

Parenting Basics: “You can do that yourself”

Grandma was right! There is an easy way and a hard way to raise kids. By and large, today’s parents are choosing the hard way. This series of blogs will tackle familiar phrases that used to be commonplace but fell out of favor during the last few decades of the 20th century—and why parents should not be afraid to follow the sentiment expressed in the phrases.

How many times have you done something for your children that they can do for themselves? Most of us do way too much for our seemingly helpless kids. The phrase “You can do that yourself” has not gotten much of a workout these days.

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It’s hard to watch our kids struggle with a task, whether it’s learning to tie their own shoes or figuring out the fingering on a piano piece or finishing a particularly tricky bit of math homework. But what we fail to realize is that by jumping in and doing the task for the child—or significantly helping a child with the project—we are actually enabling her to not learn to do it herself. 

Many parents have forgotten how to say to their children, “You can do that yourself.” Instead, enabling has taken over modern parenting. Enabling is evident whenever a parent does something for the child that the child is perfectly capable of doing for himself. Many parents fail to figure the cost of enabling and how it affects the child—and themselves. The cost of enabling to the child is increased dependence on parents, which increases the anxiety of the mother.

The child feels inadequate and helpless, lacks problem-solving and competency skills, and lacks appreciation for his personal strengths and weaknesses. In turn, that fuels the mother’s increased frustration at having to teach the same things constantly to the child.

Enabling also lowers the child’s academic performance, triggering in the mother a tendency to personalize her child’s school performance, as she ties his school performance with her worth/performance as a mom. 

To break the enabling cycle, we as parents need to stop doing so much for our kids. Start by taking counting to ten and repeating to yourself, “She can do it herself” whenever you see your child struggling or getting frustrated with a task. Turn away and focus on something else when your child is attempting to figure something out, such as homework, so that you won’t be tempted to jump in too soon.

Sure it's hard to watch your child fall down while learning to ride a bike and skin her knee. But only by testing her limits will she learn the sweet taste of doing it by herself. Give your child the breathing room to fail—and you will be surprised at how often she succeeds.

In October, Sarah will be giving a series of talks on The Well-Behaved Child: Discipline that Really Works through the City of Fairfax Parks and Recreation Department. Also in October, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on Parenting With Love & Leadership in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.

Pregnant Teen Wants Adult Treatment

Q: I’m a single mom with a 15-year-old daughter who is 3 months pregnant. My daughter thinks that because she’s having a baby, she should be treated as an adult. In her mind, that means no longer following our house rules, not doing chores and staying home from school. I’m not sure how to counter her arguments—your thoughts?

A: Ah, most teenagers try this tactic, pregnant or not, so it’s nothing really unusual. My answer would be the same, as her pregnancy doesn’t make any difference in her position in her home. Until your daughter is working and supporting herself completely, she is not an independent adult. She’s expecting all the privileges of an adult—making her own rules, deciding what to do around the house, deciding on whether or not she’s going to school—without the responsibilities of paying the rent, buying groceries, working full-time, etc.

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Therefore, as long as she’s living under your rent—and one assumes, you’re paying for her room and board, as one does with an not-yet-emancipated child—then she must follow your rules. You are not a hotel, she is not a paying guest. As a member of your household on a daily basis, she is expected to contribute to its upkeep by doing chores (pregnancy should not curtail her ability to push a vacuum or scrub a sink). As a member of your household, she is expected to attend school—that is her “job” now. As a member of your household, she is expected to follow the house rules.

When you inform your daughter of this, expect pushback, as she’s not going to like it. Be prepared to back up your stance by kicking her out of her very nice, very comfortable Garden-of-a-bedroom. When she refuses to comply (and chances are very good that she will), remove all electronics, including her cell phone (which I’m guessing you foot the bill for), computers, tablets, music, etc., as well as her favorite clothes, books, games, whatever she most enjoys doing. This should be done when your daughter is out of the house, so conspire with a friend or relative to get her away for a few hours.

If you can’t afford a storage unit or don’t have a room or attic you can lock her things in (she can’t access to them at all), then consider installing a deadbolt on her door and allowing her access once in the morning and once in the evening for 10 minutes each time to get fresh clothes. Have her sleep on a couch or guest room for a while.

Once her room is stripped or locked up, hand her a printed list of chores, with specific times for her to complete them. Also give her a print out of the house rules and your expectation that she go to school every day. Then inform her that she will start to get her stuff back when she becomes more obedient. I’d make this contingent on at least a month of good behavior (but don’t tell her that—keep her guessing as to how long this will last). After a month of good behavior, then start giving her back her stuff, starting with the least favorite item, working your way up to her cell phone (which I’m assuming is her most favorite item).

Then be prepared for a massive temper tantrum. Trust me, this will not be pretty. But keep reminding yourself as she rants and raves, that you are doing what is best for her, even though she won’t thank you now and maybe not ever. Remember that you don’t have to listen to her but can walk away. Your job is to give her enough of a push so that she will see the right decision is in her best interest. She probably won’t see it that way, but then again, she’s not the parent.

Coming in early 2014, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on Parenting With Love & Leadership in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.

Parenting Basics: “Wait Until Your Father Gets Home”

Grandma was right! There is an easy way and a hard way to raise kids. By and large, today’s parents are choosing the hard way. This series of blogs will tackle familiar phrases that used to be commonplace but fell out of favor during the last few decades of the 20th century—and why parents should not be afraid to follow the sentiment expressed in the phrases.

What role does Dad have in your family’s life? Is he regulated to a supporting role, a parenting aide to Mom? Does he share in the discipline? Is he merely a buddy, someone to clown around with while Mom does the heavy lifting?

Part of the confusion today over the role of a father has its roots in the idealized view of the 1950s nuclear family. Dad brought home the bacon, Mom fried it up in a pan, and the kids were pretty much seen but not heard. As part of the backlash against what many saw as a distant, cold father figure, Dads have move out of the background and into the foreground—but not exactly into a co-parenting role.

Photo Credit: Photos.com/Stock Photos/Photos.com

Most husbands and wives, when they become Mother and Father, move into a lopsided arrangement whereas the wives/mothers become the head of the child-rearing department and the husbands/fathers float into a buddy/pal relationship with the child. If today’s typical mother were to tell her kids, “Wait until your father gets home!,” in response to misbehavior, most kids would not worry one iota. In fact, they would look forward to Dad coming home to play with them.

This shift into turning Dad into a mere play-pal hasn’t done any favors to the average American marriage, either. Most parents forget that they should be spending more time in the role of husband and wife instead of mother/father. Our job is to help our spouse see his or her role is not to be the world’s greatest dad or mom, but to be the world’s greatest husband or wife.

By concentrating more on the marriage relationship, you will actually be a better mother and father. Might sound counterintuitive, but numerous studies have shown that children are happier and feel more secure when they know their parents’ marriage is strong. Instead of encouraging your husband or wife to be the world’s greatest dad or mom, say you want him or her to be the world’s greatest husband or wife.

Once you make that change—a more focus on husband/wife than mom/dad roles—moving Dad from the fringes of parenting should be easier. A father shouldn’t be a mere parenting aide, but a full participant in parenting decisions and discipline. A good rule of thumb is that the parent with the most hands-on interaction with the children should be the primary discipliner. But that doesn’t mean the Dad (in most cases) can’t mete out consequences when needed or to back up Mom by delivering punishments when requested by Mom.

In October, Sarah will be giving a series of talks on The Well-Behaved Child: Discipline that Really Works through the City of Fairfax Parks and Recreation Department. Coming in early 2014, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on Parenting With Love & Leadership in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.

Good for the Goose, Good for the Gander?

Q: Over the summer, my 18-year-old son claims we shouldn’t restrict him for playing Internet video games when his older sister (20) watches TV constantly. They are both college students and are back in school now, but will be home for breaks. My son tends to be shier than his sister, but she also does more to help around the house. I don’t want my son to spend all his time online when he’s home. I’m really not looking forward to more fights when they come home for the holidays. What can we do?

A: Before I answer your question, I have one of my own. Why are you still micromanaging your adult children’s lives? Your daughter is 20 and your son is 18. Both are off at college. Therefore, they are perfectly capable of managing their own lives, complete with friends and responsibilities, right?

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As for the question you didn’t ask, which is how to get your adult children living at home to do chores, that is very simple. List chores to be done (this should be nearly all the household work), divide between the two of them. Tell them to do the chores (make sure you give specific times if you want chores down a certain way, like mowing the grass Saturday before noon). Then if the chores are not done, you can certainly take away their electronic toys.

What can you do to change your son? Nothing. The only person who can change your son is your son. You can’t make him do things differently. However, you can stop being an enabler. By that I mean don’t buy him games, don’t pay for his addiction, don’t give him a computer to play his games on, that sort of thing.

Finally, stop playing the “Not fair” game with your son. Life’s not fair and the sooner you stop trying to make it fair, then life will settle down more in your home.

In October, Sarah will be giving a series of talks on The Well-Behaved Child: Discipline that Really Works through the City of Fairfax Parks and Recreation Department. Coming in early 2014, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on Parenting With Love & Leadership in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.

Parenting Basics: “Stew in Your Own Juices”

Grandma was right! There is an easy way and a hard way to raise kids. By and large, today’s parents are choosing the hard way. This series of blogs will tackle familiar phrases that used to be commonplace but fell out of favor during the last few decades of the 20th century—and why parents should not be afraid to follow the sentiment expressed in the phrases.

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This golden oldie of parenting yesteryear is a must-have for every parent’s repertoire. Basically, stewing in your own juices--or lying in a bed you made-- means facing the consequences of your actions. So many times, we as parents want to shield our children from “bad” consequences brought on by our children’s poor decisions or plain, old bad behavior.

This is one of my favorite phrases, mostly because I love to say “stew in your own juices”—it just sounds rather delicious, don’t you think? To help children want to solve their own problems—and thus not stew in their own juices—parents have to become mean parents, that is parents who mean what they say and say what they mean. Sure, their children might call them Big Meanies, but that’s just because their kids can’t get away with things in their house.

Big Meanies allow children to “stew in their own juices” and “lie in their own beds”, i.e., experience the full consequences of their own misbehavior. This puts the monkey on the back of the only one who can solve the problem—the child.

As long as you step in and try to solve the problem that your child created, the more your child will not solve the problem himself. And the more stress and strife you will create in your home.

The more you step back and let the child solve—or not solve, as the case may be—his own problems, then the more your child will be able to solve his own problems. When your child doesn’t want to, then you leave him alone to suffer the results of his own silly actions, without offering any assistance.

By allowing your child to stew in his own juices, you will be giving him the time to think about what went wrong and how to change things the next time around. Parents who jump in and solve the problem for the child are not providing him with that opportunity—and are thus not letting him learn from his mistakes and to do better the next time.

So mix it up by letting your child stew in his own juices—or lie in his own bed, if you prefer that phrasing—the next time he misbehaves or fails to follow through on something. You might be labeled a Big Meanie, but your child will be the better for it.

Coming in early 2014, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on Parenting With Love & Leadership in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.

Two Ds and a B Spell Trouble

Q: My eight-year-old boy has been disobedient and defiant since he was three. He’s also bullying his three younger siblings. We’ve tried stripping his room and putting him on restriction, but I don’t think we’ve held the line as long as we should have. It hasn’t seemed to make a different in his behavior. We plan on kicking him out of the garden [stripping his room of play value and confining him to his room]. However, even though his “things” are not available, all the toys of our other kids are strewn all over the house. And what do we do about family plans, such as camping?

Image courtesy of ponsuwan/FreeDigitalPhotos.net.

A: With four children of my own, I understand your concerns. Here’s a solution: the 30-day chart system. On the fridge, post a list of three to five targeted misbehaviors, such as “No bullying,” “Obey the first time we tell you to do something,” etc. Be as specific as you can in the behaviors to leave no wiggle room on his part. Put away all of his favorite toys and/or electronics (that means no TV, DVDs, movies, in addition to any video games, etc.), even if it’s something with which another sibling likes to play. Remember to think like your son does and hit him where it hurts, a la the Godfather Principle (make them an offer they can’t refuse).

If he does any of the targeted misbehaviors while out of his room, he has two “free” passes per day. If he “uses” the two free passes by doing one of the misbehaviors, then he’s in a guest room (without toys, etc.) and to bed (in his own room) directly after supper, lights out. Each time he’s confined to his room, the 30 day chart starts over the next day—even if he blows it on the 29th day.

Inform him that he will start to get back his things once he can go 30 days without the target misbehaviors. Even if he’s confined to his room, he can still go with you on outings when you can’t leave him at home.

As for the bullying aspect: Be careful that you don’t assign roles to your kids, as in your older son is the “bully” and your younger children are the “victims.” Remember that children are going to have conflict, and to let them work it out for the most part on their own. You should not be refereeing their squabbles. If they’re fighting over a toy, then take the toy away but don’t assign blame or try to figure out who started the fight, etc.

Stay the course until he can complete 30 days without losing his two free passes, then you can “step it up” (by adding another target misbehavior to the list) or “step it down” (by removing one of his two daily free passes). Some kids are more bullish than others when it comes to learning, so that’s why it’s likely to get worse before it gets better.

In October, Sarah will be giving a series of talks on The Well-Behaved Child: Discipline that Really Works through the City of Fairfax Parks and Recreation Department. Also in October, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on Parenting With Love & Leadership in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.

Parenting Basics: “You Need to Stand on Your Own Two Feet”

Grandma was right! There is an easy way and a hard way to raise kids. By and large, today’s parents are choosing the hard way. This series of blogs will tackle familiar phrases that used to be commonplace but fell out of favor during the last few decades of the 20th century—and why parents should not be afraid to follow the sentiment expressed in the phrases.

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A recent Wall Street Journal article asked, “Should You Bring Mom and Dad to the Office?” The story focused on the growing trend of Millenials—the generation born between the 1981 and the early 2000s—who are arriving at job interviews with a resume and their parents. This group of twentysomethings and thirtysomethings “are much closer to their parents than previous generations, and they have gained a reputation for being coddled by so-called helicopter parents.”

Some employers, who once balked at the practice, have slowly begun to embrace the presence of parents at the interview stage—and beyond. For example, the Wall Street Journal article quoted a Northwestern Mutual executive who “does everything it can to accommodate the parents of college-aged interns, including regularly inviting them to the office for open houses. … Some Northwestern Mutual managers call or send notes to parents when interns achieve their sales goals and let parents come along to interviews and hear details of job offers. They may even visit parents at home.”

Apparently, some parents have forgotten to employ the phrase, “You need to stand on your own two feet,” to any great effect with their offspring. My mother would say this whenever I started to ask her for help with my homework—worksheets, I might add, that I was perfectly capable of doing myself but was too lazy to extend the brain effort required.

Telling a child to stand on his own two feet is another way of encouraging him that he can do the task at hand, that within himself are the necessary skills and abilities to finish, start, complete or tackle whatever mountain is standing before him. Homework, learning to ride a bike, putting together a puzzle—those are some of the things that kids sometimes ask for assistance when they can do it themselves.

Parents of yesteryear knew that a child usually asked for help as the first resort, not after the child has wrestled with something for an extended period of time and still couldn’t figure it out. A child will always try to take the path of least resistance, and that’s when parents need to pull out the phrase, “You need to stand on your own two feet” to prod the child to work more towards his independence.

Grown children who allow mom and dad to accompany them on job interviews haven’t learned how to stand on their own two feet. They are missing out on a key component to success in life: learning how to lead a life of independence. That dependence on parents starts when a child is young, too young to realize his own need to try and fail, to fall and get back up, which is really what teaching a child to stand on his own two feet is all about. Having that skill is much better than dragging Mom and Dad along to a job interview—and one that will produce an independent and successful adult in the process.

This month, Sarah will be giving a series of talks on The Well-Behaved Child: Discipline that Really Works through the City of Fairfax Parks and Recreation Department. Also in October, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on Parenting With Love & Leadership in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.

Embarrassment Fuels Defiance

Q: When my kindergartner become embarrassed, she digs in her heels and becomes ridiculously obstinate and defiant. It doesn’t matter if the embarrassment is due to a reprimand or mistake. Pouting, stomping, crying, covering of ears, etc., ensues. We’ve tried explaining that everyone makes mistakes but that hasn’t helped. I don’t want this to become an issue in the classroom. What can we do?

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A: Ah, the old “why” instead of a action. Because you think her reaction is because she’s embarrassed, you’ve given her a pass on how she acts. The truth of the matter is she is throwing a temper tantrum whenever something happens she didn’t want to occur—either her own fault or not. You’ve allowed her to continue with this stomping, pouting, wailing and gnashing of teeth and now it’s time to put an end to it.

Stop trying to reason with your child. She’s not going to listen or understand, so save your breath and use it to address the real problem: her temper tantrums. At this age, solving it should be fairly easy if you’re consistent. Designate a rarely used room in the house as the tantrum (a powder room or guest room works well). Tell her that she needs to go to that room whenever she’s embarrassed and feels like crying, stomping, covering her ears, etc. Then you remind her, leading her by the hand, to the room, where she stays by herself until she stops having the tantrum.

Your job is to help her remember to go to the room whenever she has a tantrum. A temper tantrum without an audience is like a fire without oxygen: both burn out rather quickly in its absence.

In October, Sarah will be giving a series of talks on The Well-Behaved Child: Discipline that Really Works through the City of Fairfax Parks and Recreation Department. Also in October, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on Parenting With Love & Leadership in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.

Parenting Basics: What Do Britches Have to do With Anything?

Grandma was right! There is an easy way and a hard way to raise kids. By and large, today’s parents are choosing the hard way. This series of blogs will tackle familiar phrases that used to be commonplace but fell out of favor during the last few decades of the 20th century—and why parents should not be afraid to follow the sentiment expressed in the phrases.

To those who think britches, an old-fashioned word for pants, has nothing to do with child-rearing, I say read on! The phrase “You’re acting too big for your britches” is one that should be employed by every parent, if not in actual word, at least in sentiment.

Someone who’s too big for their pants is one who is too arrogant. The origin of the phrase, “You’re too big for your britches” has its roots in the 1830s and means one who  thinks too highly of himself than he ought to. In the middle of the last century, the phrase was often said in conjunction with “If you don’t size yourself to your britches, I’ll do it for you.”

A similar phrase used in previous generations of parents is “You need to be taken down a peg or two,” which has its origin in the ancient practice of ranking people on a vertical peg board, with one’s name represented by a peg. The higher on the peg, the higher in society you ranked. Thus to be taken down a notch or peg meant that you had gotten above your station in life and needed to be reminded of your proper place.

Today, with many parents buying into the notion that families are a democracy (that’s a discussion for another blog), the notion that a child could in fact be acting above where she ought might smack of classism. But nothing could be further from the truth when it comes to children. Parents nowadays routinely allow their children to grow inflated egos, to think themselves much more important than they should be.

In our quest for equality, we’ve forgotten what the parents of yesteryear understood intuitively: that youngsters had no problem thinking too highly of themselves and need to be taught otherwise. Basically, the phrase “you’re too big for your britches” is an antidote to high self-esteem. A child with high self-esteem, as I’ve talked about on this blog before, is one who puts herself above all others, who focuses more on what her needs are than on the needs of others, and who wants her needs attended to above all others.

A child who is too big for his britches is a child who wants his way in everything. A child who is too big for his britches is one who ignores his parents, his teachers and whoever else is standing in his way. A child who is too big for his britches has an ego the size of Texas and has no qualms about asserting his will in all things.

In other words, a child who’s too big for his britches is one who is a big brat.

Now, if you don’t want a bratty child—and, seriously, who does?—then you’d better start sizing your children to their proper size britches. All that means is that when you see their little egos start to inflate, you gently—you don’t have to be harsh about it to get the point across—take then down a notch. This means, you teach them to put others first. This means, you make them wait their turn. This means, you show them how to treat others with respect and courtesy—and demand that same treatment from them towards you.

“You’re getting too big for your britches” is a golden oldie when it comes to parenting phrases. Dust it off and give it a good workout—even if you have to tell your kids what “britches” are.

Until next time,

Sarah

In October, Sarah will be giving a series of talks on The Well-Behaved Child: Discipline that Really Works through the City of Fairfax Parks and Recreation Department. Also in October, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on Parenting With Love & Leadership in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.

To Believe or Not To Believe—Is That Really the Question?

Q: I spot-check my 15-year-old daughter’s (“Ann”) social media sites—she knows this—and found a posting by her close friend (“Sue”) that contained obscene language. Sue wrote, “I didn’t write that, Ann did.” Thing is, neither one of the talk like that (at least that I’ve ever heard), so it seems really out of character for either one of them. They were together when the post was written. What can I do? It’s very likely they will finger each other as the “real” writer of the post. Oh, and both are honor students and generally stay out of trouble. Also, do I let Sue’s mother know what I found out (we’re fairly close)?

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A: Many parents would commence the hunt for “the truth,” i.e., who really wrote the incriminating post. Thus begins the game of finger pointing, tears, strained relationships between you and Sue’s parents, etc. The whole thing becomes an exercise in futility because no matter who actually wrote the post, both girls were present at the time it was uploaded and both girls probably share some of the blame, either directly writing it or indirectly egging on the one who did.

So save yourself time and hassle by skipping the hunting part and moving toward the solution part, which is quite simple: take away Ann’s access to social media and to her electronic devices for at least a month. If she asks why, you can say that since her name was associated with such language, she needs a break from social media. Make her go cold turkey from electronic devices for 30 days and that should make her think twice in the future to be even near someone who would post something like that under her name.

Lest you think that is too harsh, keep in mind that in a few years, she will be searching for a job after college graduation. With more and more employers trolling the Web to see what’s being said about job candidates, do you really want her name associated with any filth out there? Not that she needs to hear that—she won’t understand your reasons anyway—but that’s something for you to keep in mind as you consider how to handle things like this now and in the future.

Tread with care if you talk to Sue’s mother about the posting. She might not want to hear that her daughter was associated with something tawdry.

In October, Sarah will be giving a series of talks on The Well-Behaved Child: Discipline that Really Works through the City of Fairfax Parks and Recreation Department. Also in October, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on Parenting With Love & Leadership in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.