To Believe or Not To Believe—Is That Really the Question?

Q: I spot-check my 15-year-old daughter’s (“Ann”) social media sites—she knows this—and found a posting by her close friend (“Sue”) that contained obscene language. Sue wrote, “I didn’t write that, Ann did.” Thing is, neither one of the talk like that (at least that I’ve ever heard), so it seems really out of character for either one of them. They were together when the post was written. What can I do? It’s very likely they will finger each other as the “real” writer of the post. Oh, and both are honor students and generally stay out of trouble. Also, do I let Sue’s mother know what I found out (we’re fairly close)?

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A: Many parents would commence the hunt for “the truth,” i.e., who really wrote the incriminating post. Thus begins the game of finger pointing, tears, strained relationships between you and Sue’s parents, etc. The whole thing becomes an exercise in futility because no matter who actually wrote the post, both girls were present at the time it was uploaded and both girls probably share some of the blame, either directly writing it or indirectly egging on the one who did.

So save yourself time and hassle by skipping the hunting part and moving toward the solution part, which is quite simple: take away Ann’s access to social media and to her electronic devices for at least a month. If she asks why, you can say that since her name was associated with such language, she needs a break from social media. Make her go cold turkey from electronic devices for 30 days and that should make her think twice in the future to be even near someone who would post something like that under her name.

Lest you think that is too harsh, keep in mind that in a few years, she will be searching for a job after college graduation. With more and more employers trolling the Web to see what’s being said about job candidates, do you really want her name associated with any filth out there? Not that she needs to hear that—she won’t understand your reasons anyway—but that’s something for you to keep in mind as you consider how to handle things like this now and in the future.

Tread with care if you talk to Sue’s mother about the posting. She might not want to hear that her daughter was associated with something tawdry.

In October, Sarah will be giving a series of talks on The Well-Behaved Child: Discipline that Really Works through the City of Fairfax Parks and Recreation Department. Also in October, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on Parenting With Love & Leadership in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.