Q: My nearly
20-year-old daughter has finished one semester and wants to quit college to
work in retail. She is dating a nice boy, who lacks focus as well. She ignores
our advice to press on with college, wanting to work and spend time with her
boyfriend. My husband’s ready to charge her rent and health insurance if she
stops attending school. How can we help her realize what she’s throwing away?
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A. In short, you can’t. There are some lessons that adult
children—and she is an adult—have to learn the hard way. You can’t continue to
manage her life for herself. What you can do is let her make her own decisions,
even though you see the path she’s selecting as far from ideal.
However, you can inform her that since she has chosen to leave
school, she will need to start paying rent. I think most health insurance plans
allow for you to keep adult children on until around age 26, and that would be
a nice gesture on your part if you can afford to keep her on your insurance for
a few years. The realities of rent/board, car upkeep (payments, insurance,
gas), and her other necessities (phone, share of cable TV, etc.) will eat up
her paycheck faster than she imagined. That will be a bigger reality check than
any lecture you can give her.
I would consider enacting a “lease” agreement with her, in
writing, what chores she’s expected to do around the house and what amount
she’ll pay each month (and the due date) for room and board. Leave nothing to
interpretation--will save both of you much grief in the long run. Then back
off, remembering that what she does at 20 isn’t necessarily what she’ll be
doing at 25. Let her discover for herself how "fun" working and
paying her own bills. She's old enough to fail--or succeed--on her own.
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