Parental Resolution #4: I will stop playing Parent Detective.

It’s apparent you’re a Parent Detective if you…

• React to anything out of the ordinary in relation to your children with thoughts of “Why is she doing that?” and “I need to find the reason behind his behavior.”

• Spend more time trying to uncover the whys of your children’s wrong behavior than dealing with the misbehavior itself.

• Frequently give your kids a “pass” because of “extenuating circumstances,” because they must be tired, worn out, upset, etc.

If you find yourself doing any of the above on a regular basis, you’ve been playing Parent Detective. A Parent Detective is one how searches for answers instead of solving problems. She’s more concerned with what goes on behind-the-scenes than with the “crime” in front of her. This means she also tends to ignore or not seriously address any misdemeanors, which turns what started out as petty misbehaviors into major problems.

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The main problem with this type of parenting is that you spend way too much effort worrying about things that aren’t worth the time. It doesn’t make you a better parent if you understand everything about your child—it makes you an ineffective parent because you’re constantly assessing the why and forgetting about the what.

The what is what’s most important. We should be more concerned with the what of our children’s behavior than the why. Sure, we need to point out the heart issues, but that doesn’t mean we give them a pass on the misbehaviors because we know the reasons. So many times, parents simply focus on finding out the why that they forget to address the what. 

Here’s an example of a Parent Detective in action. Your preteen daughter starts “forgetting” do her daily chore of giving the cat fresh water. A Parent Detective would start worrying what happened to make her forget. Is it hormones? Is it too much schoolwork and not enough fresh air? Maybe her diet needs adjusting….

As the questions pile up, what do you think happens to the missed chore? Nothing. The daughter continues to forget, the mother continues to remind her, and nothing changes.

Now the parent who’s not playing detective would simply address the problem: the constantly missed chore—by giving the girl an offer she couldn’t refuse, namely a consequence so big she wouldn’t dare not do the chore. And suddenly, the daughter who had acted so surprised every time the mother said she hadn’t refilled the cat’s water has no trouble at all doing that simple job each morning.

So make it a resolution for 2014 to stop playing Parent Detective. You’ll be much less stressed about parenting, that’s for sure!

Until next time,

Sarah