Say No to Your Kids

By Dinah Bucholz

Say no to your kids? That’s not what I was taught in a positive parenting class. No was the answer only if I had a really good reason. Therefore, my default answer should be yes. Saying no to your kids defies the conventional wisdom, which holds that saying no is negative, and who wants to be negative?

Unfortunately, that is one of the worst pieces of parenting advice ever. Hearing no frequently—and a lot more often than they hear yes—is good for kids.

Being often denied what they want builds character. It teaches kids to delay gratification. It teaches them to be grateful. It protects them from turning into spoiled brats. Most of all, it teaches them to say no to themselves, the most important no of all.

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Saying no only works if your child knows you mean it. Therefore, when you say no, stick to it. If you say no and then give in, your child will learn that no doesn’t really mean no. No means that if he whines some more—and throws in a tantrum for good effect—that no will eventually transform into yes.

But what if you say no, then you’re sorry you said no?

Let’s be honest: A parent only feels guilty about a hasty no when the child reacts. Imagine if you tell your child, “No, you can’t have a cookie now.” And your child says cheerfully, “Okay!” and runs back outside to play. Are you going to call him back and say, “Oh, you know what? I changed my mind! You can have the cookie after all.” Of course not. You won’t give it a second thought.

But if your child starts to whine, “I’m so hungry. Just one cookie. Just one, please? Please let me have just one! I promise I’ll eat my whole dinner. Please? Please can I have a cookie?” And on and on. That’s when you’ll start thinking, “What’s the harm in just one cookie? Why did I even say no to that?” That’s when you start second-guessing your decisions and ultimately reversing them. You must realize that the only reason you regret your decision is that it made your child uncomfortable.

Being denied more than being fulfilled teaches kids gratitude, because they stop expecting to receive whatever they ask for and don’t take things for granted as much as kids who get what they want most of the time. In the end, the less you give your kids, the better off they are. Teaching your child to delay gratification will serve him well in life. If you tell your child he can’t have the cookie now, he has to have dinner first; he can’t go out to play, he has to do his chores first, you are setting him up for success.

One of the best things about children not getting what they want when they want it is what it does to their character: they simply will not be spoiled brats. Some children seem to be incorruptible—no matter how much they are given, they remain sweet and unselfish. They happen not to be my kids.

Save your children from this terrible fate by saying no often and sticking to it. Say it with confidence. Say it loud and say it proud!

Dinah Bucholz is a New York Times bestselling author and a relationship coach specializing in marriage and parenting. After trying to apply all the famous liberal parenting methods out there and utterly failing, Dinah transformed her crazy and chaotic family through the methods of John Rosemond’s Leadership Parenting Institute.