A Sorry Battle

Q: My 4-year-old daughter has begun to stop saying “sorry” recently. Here’s an example:

Child throws a toy and hits Mom

Mom says: “Ouch!”

Child stares silently at Mom.

Mom says: “That hurt Mommy. Are you sorry?”

Child shouts: “No!”

Mom says: “When we accidentally hurt people, we apologize and say we’re sorry.”

Child responds: “I will NOT apologize, Mommy!”

Mom says: “Okay, you are going to stay in your room and think about how you hurt Mommy. You can come out when you are sorry.”

Child cries, goes to room and comes out 3 minutes later.

Mom says: “Are you sorry?”

Child says: “No!”

We go back and forth for 10 to 15 minutes until she will finally say she’s sorry. I’m tired of fighting with her on this. Is this a phase and will it pass?

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

A: Whether this is a phase or not, this will only end when you stop playing the game. More than 90 percent of the time, children don’t “feel” sorry—that’s something they need to be taught. You’ve been clouding the issue somewhat by advocating that she only apologize when she feels sorry by asking her if she’s sorry.

That approach has led to a battle over whether or not she will say she’s sorry, and it’s become one that is taking its toll on you both. So, let’s forget about the “sorry” business for a while and focus on the real issue at hand: her disobedience. You can help curb that by changing the way you talk to her.

First, stop asking her if she’s sorry. Start telling her that she needs to apologize. Practice this when she’s not done something for which she needs to apologize. For example, in our house, we have the child (or adult—goes both ways!) to say exactly why they are apologizing, as in, “I’m sorry I threw a toy that hit you” instead of just “I’m sorry.”

Second, when she refuses to apologize, simply send her to her room for the rest of the day without her favorite things, then to bed directly after an early supper. The catch is that even when she wants to apologize after being sent to her room, you must accept the apology and still enforce the punishment. You want to avoid sending the message that if she says she’s sorry, she will get out of the consequences for her actions.

Yes, this may appear to be an over-reaction, but you need to send a message that obedience is expected the first time and that apologizing is important. Nipping this in the bud will keep it from mushrooming into an even bigger problem, of which you’ve just begun to see with her current behavior.

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