Comparison and Favorites

Over the next several Tuesdays, I’ll be giving readers a sneak peak chapter-by-chapter at what’s inside my new book, Ending Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace, which is available in October, with permission of Beacon Hill Press of Kansas City.

Parents have been picking favorites from among their children since time began—to disastrous consequences. If you think children are unaware of parental preferences, think again. Whether favored or unfavored, children who know which they are never forget it.

The proliferation of biblical and literary examples show how favoritism wrecks families and sibling interactions. Favoritism rarely has any positive outcomes, and most such tales should be read as cautionary.

Whether we like it or not, all parents have compared their children one time or another. The more we compare, the more we are likely to develop a favorite among the children. While most of us would automatically deny having a favorite, most kids would probably say their parents have a preference for one child in the family. Sometimes, siblings work together to use that favoritism to their collective advantage. I’ve seen this happen in families, where the children will send the youngest child in to ask a favor of Mom or Dad. Sometimes the parents acknowledge they can’t refuse the child anything, and sometimes they will roll their eyes at the audacity of the children to “work the system.”

While we might smile at the thought of kids using “favoritism” to their advantage, playing favorites can tear the sibling fabric. Long-term favoritism leads to resentment, envy, guilt, strife, and a host of other problems, which impact both individuals and the family unit as a whole.

Patterns of favoritism can become ingrained in the family fabric, but the fluidity of family life may help to balance out those preferences. Favoritism can move from child to child, depending on situations in which the family operates. For example, a child could lose favored status because something she does displeases a parent, while a younger child could move into to top spot because an older child leaves home.

Read more about what steps parents can take to largely avoid favoritism in general in Ending Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace, available for now on Amazon.com, CBD.com and Beacon Hill Press.