Competition

Over the next several Tuesdays, I’m giving readers a sneak peak chapter-by-chapter at what’s inside my new book, Ending Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace, which is available in October, with permission of Beacon Hill Press of Kansas City.

Sibling competition has been around as long as there have been siblings. Rivalry marred the relationship of the very first sibling pair, Cain and Abel. Cain’s reaction seems to indicate that he viewed the offerings to the Lord as a competition between himself and Abel. Cain’s disappointment at God’s rejection of his offering triggered his anger towards Abel, whose offering had been accepted by God. Cain refused to heed the words of the Lord to guard his heart against sin. That refusal led to the first murder ever recorded when Cain killed his brother. Competition among siblings can have a similar devastating effect.

Competition often begins as soon as a new sibling arrives at the home. The new, often younger, sibling wants what the older sibling has, while the older sibling wants the younger sibling to go away and leave him—and his belongings—alone.

If you read any books about child rearing and/or sibling rivalry, you’ll find that most child psychologists and parenting experts contend that competition among siblings is merely their way of vying for parental affection and love. But in attributing competition among brothers and sisters to merely an unvoiced or perhaps unconscious desire for parental love is to miss the larger, more harmful reason for this contest: Our innate desire to have our own wants and needs fulfilled first.

Some parents further complicate the issue by insisting that competition in the home is good practice for kids because it can prepare them for living in a dog-eat-dog world. Others view competition as a way to get ahead in life, to become a “winner” instead of a “loser.” Again, what these views fail to consider is that pitting children against one another does little to build them up into responsible and respectful adults.

While both views have a grain of truth, overall, our homes should strive to be less competitive and more cooperative, less focused on winning and more centered on respecting and loving each other.

Read more about how parents can reduce unhealthy competition in their homes in Ending Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace, available for pre-order now on Amazon.com, CBD.com and Beacon Hill Press.