Separate and Unequal, or Fairness

Over the next several Tuesdays, I’m giving readers a sneak peak chapter-by-chapter at what’s inside my new book, Ending Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace, which is available now, with permission of Beacon Hill Press of Kansas City.

“It’s not fair!” is one of the rallying cries of childhood. At any given moment, somewhere in the world, a child is sure she’s not getting a fair shake. You can’t blame kids for coveting fairness; after all, the concept of fairness seems to be wired into our DNA: Scientific research has discovered that our brains react to perceived inequity the same way as when we respond to the things that disgust us. That ingrained sense of fairness makes us hypersensitive to any slight or perceived inequality.

Our children have fully internalized this and use nearly every opportunity to invoke the “fairness doctrine.” These questions from our kids ring out in practically every family as some point: “Why do I always have to do this?” “Why does [sibling] get a pass and I get punished for the same thing?” “How come [sibling’s] piece of cake is bigger?” Often these queries, delivered in an aggrieved tone of voice, catch parents off guard and provoke angst as Mom and Dad start worrying about whether or not they are treating their children fairly.

That our children have absorbed a desire for fairness should come as no surprise, especially when fairness is emphasized in school (as it should be among peers). As they grow, kids accept that fairness has more nuances. When a child says, “It’s not fair,” she doesn’t mean that in the true sense of the word. It’s because at age six, she doesn’t get to stay up as late as the ten-year-old sibling. Or at age eight, she has to do more chores than her four-year-old brother.

It’s not just the kids who jump on the fair play bandwagon—we often bend over backwards to treat our children fairly. More than eight-six percent of parents participating in my sibling rivalry survey said they try to treat their children fairly or equally.

Practicing the fairness doctrine doesn’t lead to generosity and gentleness of spirit but to grumbling and hoarding. Among siblings, pursuit of fairness as a parent can create conflict, frustration, and disappointment because each child will be constantly assessing everything to make sure things are distributed evenly. Even if you strive for fairness within your family, your children will still find things to pout about, as in “He got more icing on his piece of cake than I did” or “She got new shoes and I didn’t.”

Read more about some areas that parents often attempt to play fair with their children and ways to correct this habit in Ending Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace, available for now on Amazon.com, CBD.com and Beacon Hill Press.