Q: I am locked in a
battle of wills with my 10-year-old! She has been having problems finishing her
work in school. Her teacher says she’s perfectly capable of doing the work; she
just doesn’t want to! Four weeks ago, we started sending her to bed immediately
after school and she still won’t finish her work on time. It has become a huge
burden on our family, as having her go to bed early means we can’t do anything
as a family. She has no privileges at all—no TV, no favorite things, no time
with friends. Please help us! I want to leave the house. And what should we do
about the summer? Should we continue to punish her over the break?
A. I’m going to say something shocking but please keep
reading: You will not win this battle with your daughter. As you’ve seen, she
is determined not to do her school work.
All of your efforts to get her to
comply have come to naught. There are times when a parent has to be the one to
end the battle because the child can't. This is one of those times.
 |
Image courtesy of
Stuart Miles/FreeDigitalPhotos.net
|
So stop trying. Yes, I’m advocating “giving up” in the sense
that you’re going to stop talking about it, asking about it, and punishing her
for not doing it. Just kick the huge School Work Monkey off of your back and put
it where it belongs—on your daughter’s back. Until you do so, you’re the one
who will suffer, not your daughter.
Start by saying to your daughter something like this: “I’ve been
nagging you about your school work and I realize I’ve been wrong to do so. Your
school work is your responsibility, so I’m going to leave it to you to do it or
not.” That’s it. No other explanation is in order.
With school in session only a few more weeks, I recommend
you let it go for this year. However, next school year, during the fall parent-teacher
conference, tell her new teacher that it will be your daughter’s responsibility
to complete her work on time and to her teacher’s satisfaction. Go on to say
that you will not be responsible for making sure she does her school work—that’s
her responsibility. Add that you expect the teacher to give your daughter the
grade she deserves no matter what.
Then remind your daughter that all school work and homework are
her responsibility and hers alone—then don’t discuss it any further. If it
becomes a problem, then you may need to explore further consequences, such as
being prepared to have her repeat a grade if she’s not doing the work. But
she’s old enough to realize her defiance will get her nowhere fast.
On a side note, you found out what every parent eventually
finds out: that just because you do the right thing doesn’t mean your child
will do the right thing. That doesn't mean the consequences weren't
"working"--it just means your daughter is determined not to bend on
this issue.
Email Sarah if you have a parenting
question you would like to see answered on this blog.
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