How to Handle a Relocation

Q: Our family has lived in our current city for eight years, so this is the only home our three children (upper elementary school age) have known. However, we will soon be moving to another state for my husband’s job, and we’re not sure how to help the kids with this difficult transition. We’ll be much closer to grandparents, but I know the kids will miss their school and friends very much. How should we talk about the move with our kids?

A: As soon as you have firm dates, you and your husband should tell the children together. Provide details—when you’ll sell your house, how you’ll find a new place, etc.—but don’t overwhelm with them with the nitty gritty. Be sure to tell them you know this is hard news but that you’ll all work together to make it not too difficult. Sometimes just acknowledging the hurt they’ll feel can help immensely.

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles/FreeDigitalPhotos.com

Now for some practical suggestions to smooth the transition.

1. Have the kids capture memories of your current home by giving them a camera and notebook to record their favorite nooks and crannies in the house, neighborhood and yard. Go on a “tour” of your town as a family and snap pictures of everyone’s favorite restaurant, park or place to visit.
2. Make a list of especially close friends and plan as many one-on-one time to say goodbye or throw a “we’re moving” party and invite friends to send and/or record goodbyes in a memory book, video camera, etc. Have an address book for names and mailing/email addresses to keep in touch.
3. Get a guide book or tourism info for your new city for the kids to peruse at their leisure. Take photos of your new home and their rooms, if they can’t visit the house before the move.
4. Build in time for tears. I know moving means you have a ton of things to do on a checklist a mile long, but make time to hold your children when they’re feeling sad about the move. Doesn’t have to be long, but a few minutes sitting on the front porch swing in the gloom of the evening while they struggle with how to say goodbye can be worth more than having one more thing done.
5. Finally, give them time to adjust. They say it takes a good six months or more to really settle into a new home (job, school, etc.), so some of your children might seem fine and then fall apart three months after the move. Give them time to adjust both to leaving and to the new place. When you arrive at the new place, make sure the kids know where things are, like the library, the school they'll be attending, etc. Spend time exploring your new city, perhaps by picking a day each week to visit someplace new.

Make time as a family to talk about what you’ll miss and what you’ll not miss. Help your children write letters or emails to friends by making sure they have envelopes and stamps or the computer set up. Let them see you miss your old home, too. Nothing binds a family together like shared sorrow, but make sure you don’t wallow in the grief by remembering the happy times, too, and the positives about your new home.

Email Sarah if you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog.