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School finally let out yesterday in Northern
Virginia, and that means summer has officially begun in the eyes
of my children. With just under 9 weeks of blissful vacation looming in front
of them, my thoughts, naturally, turned to how I could ruin their summer.
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Image courtesy of magerymajestic/
FreeDigitalPhotos.net
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- Make everything about education.
If it doesn’t teach or reinforce something your children learned at school
this year, then don’t let them do it. Summertime means extra learning
time, so crack open those books and squeeze every last drop of education
from each activity or trip you take. No sloughing off for your kids!
- Be involved. Be very involved.
Sure, summers used to be times when kids had more freedom from parental
oversight, but that was back in the dangerous past. Nope, this summer,
make sure that you are heavily invested in everything they do. Organize
their days from morning until night, run play dates like a field marshal’s
exercise, and referee every pick up game you see.
- Curb those free-range tendencies.
That’s right, no letting the older kids roam from home on their own. Keep
‘em tied tight to the home front. Let them walk to the park around the
block by themselves? Are you crazy?
- Become their cruise director.
Along with number 2, make sure you have plenty of crafts on hand or games
to play when a child utters those two words that send parents the world
over into a tizzy: “I’m bored!” Don’t be defeated by those words—be
proactive with ideas and ways to entertain them.
- Let their imaginations atrophy.
Summers used to mean a break from academic thinking, when children had
more time for free thinking and imaginative play. No more! Ban imagination
by keeping all handheld electronic devices fully charged and ready to go
at a moment’s notice. Encourage marathon sessions of video games and
binge-show watching.
By following these simple steps, you, too, can wreck your
child’s summer vacation. We wouldn’t want our darlings to have any fun on their
own, now would we?
Until next time,
Sarah
This is the companion
piece to last Tuesday’s blog on “What Moms Can Learn From Dads.”
Moms are good at, well, mothering. What dads can learn from
moms might not be what you think.
What Dads Can Learn
From Moms
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Image courtesy of photostock/
FreeDigitalPhotos.net
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- A kiss makes everything better.
Sometimes, kids just need a nonverbal clue that things will be all right,
and Moms seem to know this instinctively. A kiss on a boo-boo, a hug when
a child’s scared, a smile to show you care. Dads tend to be more results-oriented,
and might not think to provide such nonverbal gestures. So a few extra
kisses and hugs would be a good way to show the kids Dad cares.
- Consistency matters. Fathers often
want to pooh-pooh routines—and sometimes, that’s okay. But kids thrive on
consistency, and it’s a good rule of thumb to keep to routines as much as
possible. Especially in the area of discipline, having a dependable way of
doing things can be very reassuring to a child.
- Take care of the small stuff. Dads
might be more inclined to overlook small infractions or misbehaviors, but
most moms know that such dereliction of duty when it comes to discipline
can create a much bigger problem down the road. So when you see
misbehavior, nip it in the bud and save yourself—and your children,
too—future heartache.
- Be the parent. Too many dads slip
into “buddy” mode with their children, wanting to pal around rather than
be the father figure. Sure, playing with your kids is fine, but they need
to see you as the parent, the leader in the home, not their friend. So
stop horsing around with your kids as equals and be the father-leader they
need.
What do you think are some things fathers can learn from
mothers?
Until next time,
Sarah
Q: Our family has
lived in our current city for eight years, so this is the only home our three
children (upper elementary school age) have known. However, we will soon be
moving to another state for my husband’s job, and we’re not sure how to help
the kids with this difficult transition. We’ll be much closer to grandparents,
but I know the kids will miss their school and friends very much. How should we
talk about the move with our kids?
A: As soon as you have firm dates, you and your husband
should tell the children together. Provide details—when you’ll sell your house,
how you’ll find a new place, etc.—but don’t overwhelm with them with the nitty
gritty. Be sure to tell them you know this is hard news but that you’ll all work
together to make it not too difficult. Sometimes just acknowledging the hurt
they’ll feel can help immensely.
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| Image courtesy of Stuart Miles/FreeDigitalPhotos.com |
Now for some practical suggestions to smooth the transition.
- Have
the kids capture memories of your current home by giving them a camera and
notebook to record their favorite nooks and crannies in the house, neighborhood
and yard. Go on a “tour” of your town as a family and snap pictures of
everyone’s favorite restaurant, park or place to visit.
- Make a
list of especially close friends and plan as many one-on-one time to say
goodbye or throw a “we’re moving” party and invite friends to send and/or
record goodbyes in a memory book, video camera, etc. Have an address book
for names and mailing/email addresses to keep in touch.
- Get a
guide book or tourism info for your new city
for the kids to peruse at their leisure. Take photos of your new home and
their rooms, if they can’t visit the house before the move.
- Build
in time for tears. I know moving means you have a ton of things to do on a
checklist a mile long, but make time to hold your children when they’re feeling
sad about the move. Doesn’t have to be long, but a few minutes sitting on the
front porch swing in the gloom of the evening while they struggle with how
to say goodbye can be worth more than having one more thing done.
- Finally,
give them time to adjust. They say it takes a good six months or more to
really settle into a new home (job, school, etc.), so some of your
children might seem fine and then fall apart three months after the move. Give
them time to adjust both to leaving and to the new place. When you arrive
at the new place, make sure the kids know where things are, like the
library, the school they'll be attending, etc. Spend time exploring your
new city, perhaps by picking a day each week to visit someplace new.
Make time as a family to talk about what you’ll miss and
what you’ll not miss. Help your children write letters or emails to friends by
making sure they have envelopes and stamps or the computer set up. Let them see
you miss your old home, too. Nothing binds a family together like shared
sorrow, but make sure you don’t wallow in the grief by remembering the happy
times, too, and the positives about your new home.
Email Sarah if you have a parenting
question you would like to see answered on this blog.
For some strange reason, a rivalry has sprung up among
parents as to which one is the better parent—Mom or Dad. Unfortunately, this
has caused nothing but angst and arguments, as moms try to get dad to do things
“her” way and dads stay content to be regulated to the “buddy” status.
Used to be that moms stayed home with the kids and dads went
to work, thus ensuring that most of the child-rearing fell on the female
parent. But a new Pew
Research Center analysis of U.S. Census Bureau data has found a growing
trend for fathers to stay home with the kids.
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Image courtesy of photostock/
FreeDigitalPhotos.net
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Pew Research found that the number of fathers who are at
home with their children for any reason has nearly doubled since 1989, when 1.1
million were in this category. It reached its highest point—2.2 million—in
2010, just after the official end of the recession, which spanned from 2007 to
2009. Since that time, the number has fallen slightly, driven mainly by
declines in unemployment.
This week, I’m going to talk about what moms can learn from
dads. Next week, we’ll tackle what dads can learn from moms.
What Moms Can Learn
From Dads
- Trivia is just trivia. In other
words, matching outfits aren’t that important. Sometimes, we as moms focus
on things that truly don’t matter much in the entire scheme of things.
Dads get this instinctively, in that they’re less likely to fret of the
outfit is on backwards, the sock don’t match or the boy is wearing his
sister’s t-shirt.
- It’s is the thought that counts.
At times, we are more consumed with the details of how something—a game, a
party, an event—happens that we miss enjoying the sentiment behind the
thing. This is why we sometimes get annoyed if the counter isn’t wiped off
but the dishes are done (guilty!).
- The boring stuff can wait more than we
think. As mothers, we often are driven to clean, cook, and organize to
the extent that we forget to slow down and enjoy the kids and situation.
Dads are really good at this (read: sometimes, too good!), but we should
take a page from their laid-back book and realize there should be times
when the dishes stay unwashed and the carpet unvaccumed so that we can do
something with our families.
- The kids will be all right. We
sometimes obsess with how our parenting decisions will impact our
children, we replay conversations in our minds to dissect how they could
have gone “better,” and we basically get a little crazy about things our
children do or don’t do. But dads, on the other hand, generally roll with
the punches and seem to realize that no matter what we do or don’t do as
parents, the kids will be all right.
What do you think are some things mothers can learn from
fathers?
Until next time,
Sarah
Q: I’m looking for
advice on out how to set reasonable screen-time restrictions for my older
teens. They’re online to do their homework and usually chat with friends,
update social media accounts, etc. But with summer coming, I want to balance
freedom and independence along with off-screen time without my nagging them. What
do you advise for screen time limits and how do I enforce those limits?
A: Children, especially teens, do not view screen time as
anything but good. They also have no idea how long they actually spend with
their eyes glued to a small or large screen (TV, video games, smartphones,
tablets, etc.). Because digital devices are so addictive, the more they engage
with such electronics, the more they will want to be always connected. There’s
been tons of research recently that shows both the destructive additive nature
of digital devices and the way those devices harm
family relationships.
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| Image courtesy of ambro/FreeDigitalPhotos.com |
To curb the technology beast in your home, I recommend
jettisoning an hourly limit per day. You will find yourself in “police” mode as
you argue with your teens about what constitutes usage and which clock to use
to measure time. That’s one fight you don’t want to start because it will only
cause stress and tension and accomplish nothing.
Instead, implement several “screen-free zones” throughout
the day. Set aside specific blocks of time when everyone—including parents!—turn
off all electronic devices. Mealtimes are a good place to start. Some families
have a “technology” basket where everyone places their turned-off handheld
devices when called to the table. No one, even Mom or Dad, gets up to answer a
call during family meal times. Maybe you add an hour of technology-free time after
dinner on Thursdays for a family game.
For the summertime, you could designate a two- or three-hour
block of time each afternoon as a screen-free zone, to ensure that your teens
are at least getting regular breaks from their devices. Institute a bedtime for
devices, too, such as 11 p.m. to 7 a.m.
the devices are off and in the basket (if your teen has a later curfew, then
the device goes in the basket when he comes home).
Many teens need such guidelines to help them get a good
night sleep, interact with the family, and remember that there is a life
outside of texting. Whatever you decide, make it clear, enforce it, and don’t
listen to the arguments as to why it’s so unfair (typical teen stuff). This is
one instance where actions will speak volumes, so please make sure you follow
the screen-free zones at mealtimes and bedtime, too. We as parents need to set
a good example especially when it comes to using technology wisely.
Email Sarah if you have a parenting
question you would like to see answered on this blog.
Grandma was right!
There is an easy way and a hard way to raise kids. By and large, today’s
parents are choosing the hard way. This series of blogs will tackle familiar
phrases that used to be commonplace but fell out of favor during the last few
decades of the 20th century—and why parents should not be afraid to follow the
sentiment expressed in the phrases.
Being horse-crazy as a child, I often had a visual image of
what the phrase “Hold your horses” meant. Anyone who’s ever ridden a horse
knows that you have to keep a firm grip on the reigns to avoid having the horse
run away with you. That’s the same sentiment behind “Hold your horses,” which
literally means to keep your horses still.
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| Image courtesy of depsoons/FreeDigitalPhotos.net |
The phrase dates back to Homer, and means you need to slow
down, to be more careful and to exercise patience in the situation. When said
to children, it generally means to stop whining and be patient. But I rarely
hear it nowadays, as it’s usually the parents who are expected to be patient
and wait for their children, not the other way around.
Parents have ceased expecting that their children can—or
even should—wait for something, whether it’s ice cream, a new toy or their
parents to stop talking and leave the party. Patience isn’t so much a virtue as
it is an inconvenience these days.
How can you help your child develop more patience and learn
to hold his horses? By giving him lots of opportunities for practice.
For a toddler, instead of having dessert directly after
supper, try doing the dishes first and then having the sweet treat. Rather than
leaving as soon as your child expresses the desire to go, try having him wait
five more minutes while you wrap up a conversation. For older children, you can
help them develop patience by practicing delayed gratification for hours and
days for a whole host of things.
This advice to deliberately make a child wait for something
might seem mean at first glance, but used properly—within the context of a
loving and generous relationship with your child—it can help him reap the
wonderful reward that patience brings.
So go on and add “Hold your horses” into your parenting
phrase repertoire—you might find it a welcome addition!
Until next time,
Sarah
Q: I am locked in a
battle of wills with my 10-year-old! She has been having problems finishing her
work in school. Her teacher says she’s perfectly capable of doing the work; she
just doesn’t want to! Four weeks ago, we started sending her to bed immediately
after school and she still won’t finish her work on time. It has become a huge
burden on our family, as having her go to bed early means we can’t do anything
as a family. She has no privileges at all—no TV, no favorite things, no time
with friends. Please help us! I want to leave the house. And what should we do
about the summer? Should we continue to punish her over the break?
A. I’m going to say something shocking but please keep
reading: You will not win this battle with your daughter. As you’ve seen, she
is determined not to do her school work.
All of your efforts to get her to
comply have come to naught. There are times when a parent has to be the one to
end the battle because the child can't. This is one of those times.
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Image courtesy of
Stuart Miles/FreeDigitalPhotos.net
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So stop trying. Yes, I’m advocating “giving up” in the sense
that you’re going to stop talking about it, asking about it, and punishing her
for not doing it. Just kick the huge School Work Monkey off of your back and put
it where it belongs—on your daughter’s back. Until you do so, you’re the one
who will suffer, not your daughter.
Start by saying to your daughter something like this: “I’ve been
nagging you about your school work and I realize I’ve been wrong to do so. Your
school work is your responsibility, so I’m going to leave it to you to do it or
not.” That’s it. No other explanation is in order.
With school in session only a few more weeks, I recommend
you let it go for this year. However, next school year, during the fall parent-teacher
conference, tell her new teacher that it will be your daughter’s responsibility
to complete her work on time and to her teacher’s satisfaction. Go on to say
that you will not be responsible for making sure she does her school work—that’s
her responsibility. Add that you expect the teacher to give your daughter the
grade she deserves no matter what.
Then remind your daughter that all school work and homework are
her responsibility and hers alone—then don’t discuss it any further. If it
becomes a problem, then you may need to explore further consequences, such as
being prepared to have her repeat a grade if she’s not doing the work. But
she’s old enough to realize her defiance will get her nowhere fast.
On a side note, you found out what every parent eventually
finds out: that just because you do the right thing doesn’t mean your child
will do the right thing. That doesn't mean the consequences weren't
"working"--it just means your daughter is determined not to bend on
this issue.
Email Sarah if you have a parenting
question you would like to see answered on this blog.
We've always had early bedtimes for our kids, starting from infancy until now. Yes, there were times when my husband didn't get to see the baby because she or he was asleep for the night by 6 p.m., but that only lasted a few months at best.
Even today, our children go to bed early in comparison to most of their peers. While the bedtimes get stretched, especially on a summer's night when the cool waters of the pool beckons us after dinner, most of the time, we stick with the bedtimes.
Why this emphasis on sleep for our kids? For our good and for theirs, of course. Here's why earlier bedtimes are good for both parents and kids.
1. It's grown up time! Parents get time for each other when the kids are in bed at a decent hour. I've heard of kids--and I mean young elementary school age--who stay up as late as their parents. When do mom and dad have anytime without a child awake nearby? Zero. And that isn't conducive to a healthy marriage.
2. Less crankiness, more pleasantness. The right amount of sleep for children ages 5 and up is between 8 and 9 hours a night. When a child rarely gets that much sleep, it impacts his ability to exercise self control, among other positive attributes. Sleep studies have shown that sleep-deprived children behave as if they have ADD or ADHD, too. More sleep equals a better disposition.
3. Better school performance. Just like eating the right foods, sleep is important to growing bodies because it is one of the ways the brain uses to run at optimal functionality. Less sleep means less ability to concentrate and learn during school.
4. Slimmer waistlines. Recent studies have found a direct correlation between lack of sleep and weight gain in both adults and children. A study released this week in Pediatrics found that children who consistently got less than the recommended sleep for their ages were 2.5 times more likely to be obese at age 7 than their peers who got enough sleep.
We as parents need to think of sleep as essential to our children's well-being as their diet and exercise. Yes, you can't make them go to sleep, but we can provide the framework of a good bedtime and a good example ourselves.
Until next time,
Sarah
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