An Unruly Child

Q: Our 5-year-old son has been very defiant of late, and has taken to hitting, punching or kicking his siblings or us whenever he’s upset or angry. We’ve tried time-outs in his room, but he’s so angry that he has destroyed toys and other things in his room. He’s our middle child (three year old and eight year old). Now he’s started yelling that he hates us. What can we do to get our kind little boy back?

A. Ah, welcome to the world of defiance! One of my children (who shall remain nameless to protect the guilty) went through a similar phase around that age. However, that doesn’t mean his behavior isn’t unacceptable or that he can’t control himself. At this point, however, he doesn’t WANT to control himself because it’s much more satisfying for him to throw the household into chaos with his rants. Remember, too, that his words are not necessarily his real feelings, as I’m sure your reaction to him saying he hates you is partially fueling repeats of that particular phrase. So don’t take his rantings personally.

To help him change his behavior, I recommend a two-fold approach. First, institute Tickets. Give him four or five tickets per day that will be lost if he does one of up to three targeted behaviors (just focus on the top two or three misbehaviors for now). Then when he does one of the targeted behaviors, simply say in a calm voice, "That's a ticket," remove one ticket and go on with your day. When he loses all tickets, he’s confined to his room (with his toys removed) and put to bed directly after an early supper.

Second, spend one-on-one time with all of your children on as regular a basis as fits with your family. For example, in our family, my husband and I take turns taking one child out to breakfast every other week. The schedule is posted on the fridge and each child knows when his or her turn is coming up. This has helped calm things in our household and gives Mom and Dad a chance to connect  with each child without the distractions of the others.

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