Cavities and Responsibility

During a recent trip to the dentist, the hygienist said that one of my sons needed to brush his teeth a bit more. No big surprise there, as I have my suspicions as to his (along with his siblings’) brushing habits. But the way she phrased the comment words showed, once again, society’s expectations of parental involvement: “You (as in me, the parent) need to make sure he brushes his teeth, especially the two in the front.”

Now, whose teeth did she refer? My son’s. In whose mouth do those teeth reside? Again, my son’s. So who should have the care of those teeth? You guess it! My son. And who will suffer the consequences of not brushing? My son.

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Therefore, why is it suddenly my responsibility to make sure my son brushes his teeth when he is perfectly capable of doing so? My mother certainly didn’t brush my teeth at his age, no matter what the dentist might have told her.

I brushed my teeth probably as well as the next kid, and possibly a little bit better, given my terror of having a cavity. (Should I admit I’m still terrified of having a cavity filled? Should I also admit that it’s mainly because I’ve never had a cavity? Probably not. Would just invoke tooth envy….)

Somehow most of us survived into adulthood with our teeth intact and in fairly good shape from our irregular brushing habits as children. Our parents may have reminded us from time to time to brush our teeth, but I seriously doubt any of them stood in the bathroom doorway and watched us brush—or taken the toothbrush from our sticky hands and did it for us.

But what if he gets a cavity because he didn’t do a good enough job? Well, then, he’ll face the natural consequences of his decision to blow off brushing or he’ll end up with more cavities.

Some parents would find that line of thinking appalling—that I would let my child suffer the pain and agony of a cavity because I didn’t brush his teeth or stand over him to ensure he did a good job of it himself. To those people, I say, where does it end? When do I step back as a parent and let the child do things for himself? To fail or succeed on his own two feet?

We don’t want our children to fail, whether it’s a cavity or a test. Others, from teachers to dental hygienists, have picked up on that and now talk directly to parents about the parental role should be.

The only way to change this climate of collusion is for parents to stop asking what they can do and to stop doing for their children things that should be their children’s responsibility.

And if you’re wondering whether I’m overseeing my son’s teeth brushing, the answer is no. I reminded him of what the dentist said and then left him alone in the bathroom with his toothbrush.

Until next time,

Sarah