Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

According to my personal holiday tradition, I'm taking the last two weeks of the year off from blogging to focus more on family and friends, and Christmas and New Year's.

My blog will be new and fresh starting January 6. Enjoy your holidays, and see you next year!

Sarah

Bang, Bang! Toy Guns and Boys

Q: Should boys be allowed to play with toy guns of any sort? If so, can they point the gun at each other and shoot someone else? Play dead when shot? What guidelines do you recommend for teaching them how to play with toy guns? My sons keep asking for them and I’m not sure how to respond.

Image courtesy of artur84/
FreeDigitalPhotos.net

A: If you have a boy, chances are pretty good that he’s shot, stabbed, lasered or otherwise tried to kill you, the family dog, the chair, or his younger sibling with some sort of weapon. Said weapon could be anything from a finger, a stick, LEGOs or a stuffed animal. Frankly, I don’t know how you prevent shooting and playing dead among children, especially boys, even without an actual toy gun in a child’s hand.

We’re asking the wrong questions when we fret about whether or not a toy gun of some sort will somehow be harmful to our kids. Instead, we should focus on what’s going on in their own hearts when they play or interact with others. Is the play mean-spirited or fun for all involved? A boy who shoots his sister with his toy cap gun, for example, could be perfectly loving toward her on most occasions, except when she’s the bank robber and he’s the sheriff.

Video games and movies have more potential for desensitizing kids to violence than playing with a toy gun. Rather than worrying about whether they play with toy guns (or pretend to knife, slash or shoot others with pretend weapons), we should concentrate on helping them treat others with kindness and respect most of the time (because no one can be perfect all the time!).

Our homes should have a general atmosphere of love and not anger with siblings that respect and love one another most of the time. If our focus is on the intangibles of our children’s relationships with each other, then what toys they have won’t matter as much--because in the end, it’s not the toy that causes the distress, it’s the child who wields it.

Channeling Your Inner (Christmas) Child

There’s something about Christmas that is almost magical. Maybe it’s the colder weather. Maybe it’s the bright lights and cheerful holiday music. Maybe it’s the anticipation on the faces of every child you meet.

But sometimes we as adults are like the children in the Polar Express book, the ones who grow up a bit and don’t hear the sleigh bells anymore. We’ve somehow lost the Christmas magic in the hustle and bustle of the season. We’re too stressed with our long to-do lists that we miss the simplicity of the season.

Image courtesy of Theeradech Sanin/
FreeDigitalPhotos.net

That “amnesia” of what Christmas used to mean to us can make us short with our kids’ natural exuberance about presents and seeing family and Santa. We forget that memories are made not with gifts but with time spent together as a family. We eschew quietness for busyness, leaving little time for reflection. We let our children’s zeal for the season to irritate us rather than give us joy.

This Christmas, I challenge you to remember how much you enjoyed the holidays as a child. Pick a favorite memory and hold it close as you hear your children’s squeals of excitement, see them bouncing around the house, and generally become nearly overwrought with anticipation.

Share your own Christmas memories with your children. Let them share theirs, even though for most of them, they don’t have very many Christmases from which to choose. Ask them what makes Christmas special—you might be surprised at what they say. Pick several low-key things to do with your family in the midst of the to-ing and fro-ing that’s part of the season.

Most of all, cherish your kids’ expressions of joy. There’s nothing quite like the look on a child’s face when he opens a hoped-for gift. Or the surprise on a child’s face when she receives something unexpected yet welcome. Don’t wear yourself out so much that you can’t enjoy those moments. Christmas doesn’t have to be perfect but you can have the best Christmas ever.

Until next time,

Sarah

If you want some tips on how to create contentment at Christmas, visit The Happy Housewife, where I’m interviewed in a blog entitled “HelpingYour Children Face a Lean Christmas.” 

The Gift Question

Q: How do we handle grandparents and other relatives/friends who want to buy our kids things that we’d rather our kids not have, such as electronics, which we restrict most of the time at home. We don’t want to monitor their usage of an electronic device we didn’t want them to have anyway. I know they are well-intentioned, but our kids would be as happy with a gift card to the local bookstore. What are your suggestions for how to approach this topic?

A: One Christmas when our oldest was around five or six, one of my sisters gave her a Care Bear “exercise” doll that stood on its own and moved up and down, saying things like, “Exercise is great!” and “Let’s get physical,” a la Olivia Newton John’s hit song. Now, I knew by this sister’s wicked gleam in her eye that she figured the Care Bear wouldn’t go over so well with my husband or me. Yes, that bear was very annoying but I decided to see how it played out with my daughter.

Image courtesy of Keerati/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Sure enough, the first forty-eight hours were pure agony hearing that bear’s squeaky voice talk about getting physical. But a funny thing happened once the newness of the bear’s animatronics wore off. My daughter tried to play with it as a regular doll, but it was too stiff “at rest,” so the bear was soon left behind, un-played with and lonely in the toy box. A month after that, I was able to quietly remove the bear and put it in our yard sale box. My daughter never missed it.

Sometimes, the gift that we dread our children receiving ends up not being a big deal after all. Other times, we do have to step in to curtail usage. You won’t know which you’ll have to do until the gift is given.

However, that doesn’t mean you don’t have a conversation with your relatives about toys. Don’t begin it with “We don’t allow…” or end it with “so please don’t buy them that.” Instead, talk about what your kids do like to do. Mention how much fun they have spending time with grandparents, aunts and uncles. When asked about gifts, you could suggest replacing another toy with a one-on-one outing with the relative. I know my own children have relished birthday gifts that were simply an outing with their grandmother or aunt and uncle, such as a trip to the circus or ballet. The outing itself doesn’t have to be spectacular—keep in mind that some of our best memories are from the small things in life, like an ice cream cone while walking around the neighborhood or a drive through a park to look at Christmas lights.

Also help your children develop their own wish lists that are reasonable and practical. For example, we remind our children that nothing on their list should cost more than $30, as that helps keep their greed in check and is respectful of others’ finances.

And for those gifts that don’t meet parental approval? Let them play with it, but put the same restrictions on it that you would have if you had purchased it. Remember that the relatives are likely only thinking of your child and are not out to undermine your parental authority. Always assume the best intentions unless you have hard evidence otherwise—and enjoy the blessings of having family who care enough to bestow gifts on your children. (Don’t forget to have those children write prompt thank-you notes, too.)

Preparing Our Kids for Encounters of the Assault Kind

My children are still in elementary school, so the talk about the increase of sexual assaults on college campuses isn’t something I’m overly concerned about as touching my children right now. However, that doesn’t mean I’m not preparing my kids for the day when they might encounter such a situation, either through a friend, acquaintance or personally. Of course, no mother (or father!) wants to think her daughter or son would ever have to worry about unwanted sexual advances, molestation or rape.

But we live in a world where such things are not outside the realm of possibility. Rather than fearing what might happen, I’d rather focus on what we can do to help our children be strong, compassionate and responsible adults. The type of person who would speak up when seeing wrong or stand firm when others are crumbling. That training should begin when our children are young. Here’s what we’re teaching our children about being a good friend and citizen—in short, becoming young adults who will be more apt to do the right thing and not stand aside to let the wrong thing happen.

1. Teach them to stick up for the weak. Even in elementary school, helping our children develop a heart for those who are being picked on will strengthened their desire to do the right thing, even when it’s the hardest option. So many times, stories of sexual assault are peppered with tales of bystanders who did nothing to help, either before, during or after such incidents. By helping our children find the courage to speak up when they are young, we will instill in them the will to continue on that path into adulthood.

2. Teach them to tell the truth—no matter what. Sometimes, speaking up with the truth is harder than telling a lie or staying silent. That’s true about playground scrapes and it’s true about sexual assaults, especially when someone you like or admire is involved. By stressing the need for truth to always be told—and by ensuring that you encourage and model that in your home—you can help your children realize that truth might be hard, but it’s always the best course of action.

3. Teach them to treat everyone with respect. There are people in this world that we don’t get along with—different personalities, different backgrounds, different interests, etc. But we should strive to treat everyone we encounter with respect. Helping our children internalize that character trait is essential to their living a life of honor and of being good citizens. Having that respect at the core of their being will help them recognize that everyone deserves to be valued.

4. Teach them that everyone is made in God’s image. This goes along with respecting all people, but it digs deeper. When we realize that God has created all human beings, that’s a powerful incentive to be kind to everyone we meet. It’s essentially the backbone of all the other lessons we’re trying to teach because respect, truth-telling, helping the weak—all stem from knowing that everyone we encounter is a reflection of God.

5. Teach them of their own worth. This goes hand-in-hand with everyone—including themselves—being made in God’s image. Knowing who they are on the inside will go a long way to helping them avoid potentially dangerous situations because of a longing to be liked or to fit in with the right crowd. Also drill into them that their bodies are their own, and that no one has the right to touch them in a way that makes them uncomfortable. Add to that no one has the right to tell them to keep quiet if something does happen. Having a sure sense of self can prevent our kids from being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

6. Teach them that love is more than sex. This starts with showing them what a good marriage looks like by being affectionate with your spouse, by treating your husband or wife with respect, by modeling what a good relationship between the sexes looks like. It’s also helping them as they begin to express interest in the opposite sex to understand infatuation and how that can lead to bad decisions. It’s guiding them to recognizing potentially unsafe situations and giving them the tools to avoid them. It’s helping them see that reporting any misconduct is always better than saying nothing—and that you’ll be there to help them through the process no matter what.

Of course, there are no guarantees that even if we teach our kids these truths they will never stray off the right path, but we would be remiss in our calling as parents if we didn’t do our best to teach them the way of righteousness.

Until next time,
Sarah

Crying Instead of Sleeping

Q: Our son turned two recently. He’s been a good sleeper most of the time, with bedtimes not so terrible a task. However, lately, he gets very upset at bedtime. Our routine at night is bathing, brushing teeth, reading a book, having some milk, going to the potty, then into the crib for a few songs. Now, he’s getting so upset with us leaving the room that he’ll cry until he throws up. What can we do to get over this hurdle?

Image courtesy of phaitoon/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

A: Turning two can be a huge change for some kids, and it sounds like it has been for your son. That said, there are some things you can do to help him make this transition smoother at bedtime.

First, shorten the bedtime routine because it’s kind of long now. Kids his age don’t really need a bath every night (a couple of times a week will usually do the trick). Cut out the milk right before bed, too, so that he won’t have milk on his teeth overnight—you can give this to him a half hour or so before bed instead.

For the crying, leave him in his crib, then come back into the room after a minute (literally, count to 60 outside his door). Tell him everything’s okay and leave. Don’t pick him up and don’t stay longer than the time it takes to pat him on the back and tell him it’s okay. Repeat as necessary, gradually lengthening the time between when you re-enter the room. This might take a few days or a week or so, but he should get over this and stop crying so much at bedtime.

A happy client:

After I had originally answered this question, the client wrote the following: “I just wanted to thank you for your help! For the past few days, I’ve put him down, we wait literally a minute while he wails like a banshee, then my husband goes in and holds his hand for awhile. By the time he leaves, our son’s been too tired to do much besides let out a few impassioned squawks. It’s not ideal, but it’s certainly better than him barfing everywhere!”

5 Ways to Have a Peaceful Christmas

December is usually not described as peaceful. Oh, we sing about peace on earth in our carols, but for most of us, days 1 through 25 are spent hurrying around shopping, baking, doing endless lists of things. Sure, we might go to a fun party or special event, but we generally take little time to slow down. To make matters even more stressful, our children stay in a perpetual state of heightened excitement as the days of Christmas draw nearer.

Image courtesy of digitalart/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

What’s a parent to do? Here are five suggestions for having yourself a very peaceful Christmas.

1. Talk about your Christmas expectations. With December underway, now’s the time to have a family meeting about what’s important for everyone this season. Is it trimming the tree together? Going to the grandparents on Christmas Eve? Have everyone say the number-one thing they are looking forward to, then focus on those things first. Everything else can be left behind.

2. Develop hearts of gratitude. For all of us, Christmas can become a time of getting, and we can let that go to our heads when we really want that special something. Whatever your ideal gift is, we lose sight of the true meaning of Christmas when we focus only on what we might get instead of what we have. One way to combat the greed of the season is to designate a Thankfulness Jar. Have every family member write down something they are thankful for at least once a week. Then on Christmas Eve or close to that date, sit down with hot chocolate and read the notes aloud together. This will help you get your hearts in the right frame of mind for opening gifts and visiting with family.

3. Think outside yourselves. Whether it’s a family member or a community need, be a blessing to someone else. It could be a simple as shopping together for Toys for Tots, or as elaborate as adopting a family for Christmas. Get your kids involved—as them what they would like to do to help someone else this holiday. You’ll be surprised by what they can come up with once you get their thoughts focused outside of themselves.

4. Downsize the toys. We all have too much stuff, so let’s get rid of some of it before Christmas. With your children, go through their toys or things, mandating that they must give away or toss a certain amount (depending on what you are starting with). Guide them in their choices, but let them make the decisions. Having less is always a good way to go into Christmas—and it’s easier to find places for the new things to come.

5. Stop and smell the pine needles. This time of year, we can become so busy that we hardly have a moment to ourselves. Deliberately plan down time for the entire family to spend watching a favorite holiday flick or singing carols around the fireplace. Spend an afternoon or evening sharing favorite Christmas memories. Little things like this can be relaxing and enjoyable for all members of your family—and help you find a little peace amid the chaos of the season.

Happy Thanksgiving!

As usual, I'm taking a break this week to spend more time with my family in Thanksgiving Day preparation, etc. I hope you and yours have a wonderful Thanksgiving celebrating God's goodness in your lives.

Until next time,
Sarah

Separation Snapshot

The Scenario: Your two daughters ages eight and six play together nicely, but when their two cousins who are similar ages come over, it’s bedlam. Within half an hour, your youngest will be crying over being excluded by her older sister from the games or play. You constantly have to intervene to keep any semblance of peace. What can you do?

The Solution: In this case, ignoring the problem or letting the children figure it out themselves is not likely to work. Things have gone on too far and their “positions” have become so entrenched that they can’t change on their own. Nor can you act as mediator—you’ve seen how successful that’s been!

Here’s a way to handle this. The next time the cousins are scheduled to come over, have your sons draw straws or flip a coin to determine which one of them will get to play with the cousins. The other child will stay away from the cousins and get her turn next time it’s playtime with the cousins.

You’ll likely have to do this for the next four or so times the cousins are at your house before you can ask your two daughters if one of them needs to play separately from the rest. This puts the onus of figuring out how to get along on the shoulders if your daughters, where it belongs.

Excerpted from Ending Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace, available in October. Posted with permission of Beacon Hill Press of Kansas City.

Breathing Room

Over the next several Tuesdays, I’m giving readers a sneak peak chapter-by-chapter at what’s inside my new book, Ending Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace, which is available now, with permission of Beacon Hill Press of Kansas City.

Ever notice that being trapped inside for several days because of weather or sickness can unleash the worst behavior from our children? While the family that plays together does indeed develop a deeper relationship with each other, too much togetherness can breed undesirable behaviors. Time away from other siblings can provide a much needed respite and can prevent tensions from reaching the boiling point and exploding into conflict.

Just as we parents need to ensure we spend time together as a family, so we should encourage time apart. Everyone, from Mom and Dad on down to the youngest child, needs alone time—the trick is finding the right balance to avoid both smothering (too much togetherness) and becoming antisocial (too much time alone).

It’s important to talk with our children about why time alone is good for everyone, and that it shouldn’t always be viewed as a punishment. We all feel so busy these days, overwhelmed by our lengthy and never-ending to-do lists. Busyness has become a status symbol as we’re always rushing around from one task to another, on the job twenty-four/seven. We fill our lives with constant motion and tasks to be accomplished. Even Christians fall into the trap of over-scheduling, over-doing and over-committing our time and resources. Our children are not any different, with overpacked schedules and constant motion, leaving little time for the business of being a kid.

Alone time has two components: knowing when to separate and having a place to go to be by oneself. Therefore, to accomplishing the perfect ratio of togetherness and separateness, parents should first figure out when a separation is necessary. Part of this step is training offspring to recognize their personal warning signs so that they can remove themselves from a potentially explosive situation. Second, parents need to help children find private space in the home for alone time. Coupled with privacy is assisting their children to have their own identity within the family unit, another form of separating.

Read more about both how to know when a volcano might erupt and how to create space for the essential cool-down period in Ending Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace, available now on Amazon.com, CBD.com and Beacon Hill Press. 

Individual Time Snapshot

The Scenario: Two of your three children seek opportunities to be alone with you, such as volunteering to come with you on errands. But the middle child doesn’t speak up for these spontaneous outings. You’re finding that you spend much less time with him as a result. What should you do?

The Solution: Try carving out a bit of daily interaction for just the two of you. Perhaps it’s after dinner when the others are doing homework, or maybe right before bed you visit with him to check in on how his day is going.

Make an effort to ask him to do something with you beyond errands, such as cook dinner or sort socks. Those little opportunities should help you to stay connected with him on a more day-to-day basis.

Excerpted from Ending Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace, available in October. Posted with permission of Beacon Hill Press of Kansas City.

One-on-One Time

Over the next several Tuesdays, I’m giving readers a sneak peak chapter-by-chapter at what’s inside my new book, Ending Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace, which is available now, with permission of Beacon Hill Press of Kansas City.

When other parents learn we have four children, their first response is usually along the lines of “How do you juggle all those kids?” That question is generally followed by another: “How do you find time for your kids?” Both represent a misconception of how much parental time and outside activities children need. We’re firm believers that children should—and are perfectly capable of—entertaining themselves.

While we don’t give our kids too much attention on a daily basis, we also do not neglect to spend individual time with them apart from the family as a whole. In today’s ever busy, ever connected world, one-on-one time with a parent becomes even more precious to a child.

This alone time forges a stronger bond of intimacy and love between parent and child, nourishing the relationship. Many parents recognize the importance of individual time with a child. In fact, seventy percent of respondents to my informal sibling survey had regular one-on-one time with each of their children.

Time spent alone with one child also underscores that we see them as individuals, not as a collective “the kids.” We often lump our offspring all together, such as “Kids, get in the car!” It’s great to be part of a family, but sometimes, children need to know we see them as single entities apart from the group. Also, having regular individual interaction will create those precious memories for both of you. Group recollections are wonderful, but it’s the personal touch that often brings the most pleasure to us and our kids.

Plus, all kids, especially teenagers, need that bonding time with parents, a chance to slow down and ease up on the throttle of life. Parents have found that scheduled one-on-one time with their children keeps them up-to-date with what’s going on in their lives. With individual time, you can cater to each child’s personality and ability, which goes along with helping parents not play favorites.

Remember, our time with them living at home is fleeting. We have them twenty-four/seven for eighteen years, then they begin to spread their wings and fly to new adventures outside of your home. Sure, we may get them back occasionally, but we will never again have them at this age.

Read more about how to have one-on-one time with your children in Ending Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace, available now on Amazon.com, CBD.com and Beacon Hill Press. 

Conflict Snapshot

The Scenario: Your preteen daughter and young teenage son get into the name-calling like no one’s business. Idiot, stupid, you’ve heard them all. The name-calling generally degenerates into a fight. How can you conquer this?

The Solution: You can’t. Only the two of them can get a handle on this rivalry. One way to help them figure out how to stop fighting so much is to designate a small space in your home, such as a powder room, laundry room, or large closet, as the “conference” room. When the arguing commences, direct them to take it to the conference room for half an hour (set a timer). When the timer dings, ask them if they’ve solved the problem. Most of the time, they probably have. If not, then send them back in for another half hour.

This approach allows you to keep calm and them to discover that they can solve their own problems and will likely fight less, given they probably don’t want to spend thirty minutes in a small space with their sibling every time they argue.

Excerpted from Ending Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace, available in October. Posted with permission of Beacon Hill Press of Kansas City. 

Conflict Resolution

Over the next several Tuesdays, I’m giving readers a sneak peak chapter-by-chapter at what’s inside my new book, Ending Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace, which is available now, with permission of Beacon Hill Press of Kansas City.

Have you ever looked at your kids fighting and seen an opportunity for personal growth? Most parents don’t view tussles between their offspring as anything but disruptive and damaging to the family. However, teaching our children the proper and biblical way to handle conflict can restore peace to our homes and set our kids on the path to relationship success.

The temptation for parents is to skip the teaching part and simply move to making peace themselves, but that harms children by focusing on the why of the conflict and by taking the problem-solving part of the conflict away from the children. What parents all too easily forget is that children, because of their nature, disposition and age, are not civilized beings. That’s something that needs to be taught to a child, such as when we teach them to say “please” and “thank you.”

Some believe that children must be genetically disposed to fighting—after all, they do it so well!—but fail to realize that kids are equally equipped to make peace. That the ability to make up is essential to their emotional and mental development is often overlooked by parents. We can’t continually broker treaties between our children because then they don’t learn to do it for themselves and our cease-fires don’t last as long. Peace made by non-invested parties, i.e., parents, never sticks as well as harmony brought about by the warring parties.

Thus when parents get too involved in their children’s disputes, they rob the kids of a valuable learning experience. Yet it’s hard to resist that involvement. Parents do have a role to play in sibling conflict because parents shouldn’t leave the entire process to the children. Teaching kids how to peacefully resolve conflict is as important as letting them figure out the nitty-gritty details themselves.

Read more about how to teach your children conflict resolutions, as well as how parents can stay out of the process, in Ending Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace, available now on Amazon.com, CBD.com and Beacon Hill Press. 

A Scary Halloween

For parents, the tricky part about trick-or-treating on Halloween comes in deciding how much freedom your kids will enjoy that evening. Will you send them out the door to canvass the neighborhood without you? Will you follow along behind them, watching from the sidewalk as they ring doorbells? Will you closely monitor their candy intake to avoid over-consumption? Will you hand out only organic Clementines in an effort to staunch the flow of sugar?

These are the questions that plague the modern parent—and it’s really no wonder that Halloween brings out the angst in us. If we no longer send out our children onto our own street—the street that we decided was safe enough to buy a house and live on—without our direct supervision, then why would we on Halloween? If we no longer we deem it okay to let our upper-elementary school age children or older walk to the bus stop by themselves in broad daylight, we certainly are not going to let them go alone to knock on strangers’ doors at night dressed up as Peter Pan and Elsa.

Image courtesy of maple/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Then there is the boost Halloween receives from the media, who ratcheted up fears in parents with tales—unfounded, unsubstantiated—of poisoned candy handed out to random children by crazy people. (Read some of the debunked myths on Snopes.com for just how the media loves to point the finger at Halloween goodies.)

The common denominator in all of these is fear of harm to our kids. That’s why this week, you’ve probably seen stories of hospitals that will scan Halloween candy for free and tips on how to make sure your child’s costume won’t cause injury when walking around the neighborhood. That’s also the reason why shopping malls offer indoor “safe” trick-or-treating under the bright lights and Christmas decorations.

What can you do to stop this fear epidemic? Take a moment to reflect on all the things you love about your neighborhood. The person who walks his cute little dog by your house at 7 a.m. every day. The neighbor who tosses your newspaper on the porch when you’re away. The children with which your kids play and go to school. This nice, safe place you’re raising your family. There’s nothing to fear the other 364 days of the year, so why pick on Halloween?

So get out there and get to know your neighbors a little bit better. If your kids are old enough (and I would hazard a guess that at least four or fifth graders and up are), then let them go trick-or-treating on their own. If that makes you really nervous, then have a time or street limit. They will have a blast being independent, and you can greet all the trick-or-treaters who come by your house.

And loosen up on the candy. Hand out the good stuff and don’t worry about childhood obesity or tooth decay. One night of over-indulgence isn’t going to hurt anyone in the long run.

Until next time,

Sarah

The Blessing of Siblings

Over the next several Tuesdays, I’m giving readers a sneak peak chapter-by-chapter at what’s inside my new book, Ending Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace, which is available now, with permission of Beacon Hill Press of Kansas City.

  

Parents often plan how many kids to have based on the number of children they think they can handle. Sometimes, that number of influenced by their own childhoods or by seeing how the children of relatives or friends behave. What parents usually fail to consider is what a healthy relationship with brothers and sisters gives a child. Hearing your children snipe at each other, or remembering fights you had with your own siblings, might make you forget the many blessings brothers and sisters can bring to your life and to the lives of your children. Whether you have one brother or sister, or five, being a sibling provides you with someone who “gets you” when the world doesn’t and with someone to share the joys and burdens of life.

Almost from the time of our birth, we share with siblings our most intimate thoughts, ideas, and dreams. Together, we explore, collaborate, conspire, and protect. We goad each other to do good—and bad. We play together, torment each other at times, counsel each other, and comfort one another. For better or for worse, our brothers and sisters become a large part of who we are.

Often those relationships outlast parents, spouses, and friends. With brothers and sisters, you share a history—the good and the bad. So far, it seems that the gist of sibling research focuses on how the children interact with one another and with their parents. But what the studies haven’t yet tackled in-depth is how siblings help each other in a variety of ways with friendship being at the top.

If you look past the in-fighting, you’ll likely see some of the secret—and not so hidden—blessings of having a brother or sister (or both!). As you watch your own children interact, note the many ways they support each other. Maybe an older sister helps her little brother tie his shoelaces, or an older boy takes his sister’s hand without prompting to cross the street. These small gestures done “undercover,” so to speak, show you more of their hearts than anything else. Write a few of those down and look at the list often, especially when sibling conflict heats up. It’s a good way to remind yourself of the blessings of siblings.

Read more about why siblings can be blessings, both when kids are young and when they are older in Ending Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace, available for now on Amazon.com, CBD.com and Beacon Hill Press.

Fairness Snapshot

The Scenario: Your two sons, ages eight and ten, usually get along just fine. But lately, whenever you have to discipline one, the other tells you it’s not fair. Sometimes, they’ve been so convincing that you’ve not addressed the problem. You’ve explained and explained why they need to stay out of the disciplining of their brother, but they won’t listen. What can you do?

The Solution: Step one is to stop explaining. They’re not listening, and they’re not going to listen or agree with your rationalization of why interfering is wrong. Step two is to realize that you’ve given the boys reason to think you don’t mean what you say. So they have come to the conclusion that if one interferes with a punishment of the other, chances are good you’ll back down.

Step three is to do something to fix the problem once and for all. The next time you’re about to punish one and the other interrupts to plead his case that you’re “not being fair,” respond with: “You’re right. I’m not. So now you both will receive the punishment since you interfered.” Then follow through with punishing both of them. That will stop the interfering soon.

Excerpted from Ending Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace, available in October. Posted with permission of Beacon Hill Press of Kansas City. 

Separate and Unequal, or Fairness

Over the next several Tuesdays, I’m giving readers a sneak peak chapter-by-chapter at what’s inside my new book, Ending Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace, which is available now, with permission of Beacon Hill Press of Kansas City.

“It’s not fair!” is one of the rallying cries of childhood. At any given moment, somewhere in the world, a child is sure she’s not getting a fair shake. You can’t blame kids for coveting fairness; after all, the concept of fairness seems to be wired into our DNA: Scientific research has discovered that our brains react to perceived inequity the same way as when we respond to the things that disgust us. That ingrained sense of fairness makes us hypersensitive to any slight or perceived inequality.

Our children have fully internalized this and use nearly every opportunity to invoke the “fairness doctrine.” These questions from our kids ring out in practically every family as some point: “Why do I always have to do this?” “Why does [sibling] get a pass and I get punished for the same thing?” “How come [sibling’s] piece of cake is bigger?” Often these queries, delivered in an aggrieved tone of voice, catch parents off guard and provoke angst as Mom and Dad start worrying about whether or not they are treating their children fairly.

That our children have absorbed a desire for fairness should come as no surprise, especially when fairness is emphasized in school (as it should be among peers). As they grow, kids accept that fairness has more nuances. When a child says, “It’s not fair,” she doesn’t mean that in the true sense of the word. It’s because at age six, she doesn’t get to stay up as late as the ten-year-old sibling. Or at age eight, she has to do more chores than her four-year-old brother.

It’s not just the kids who jump on the fair play bandwagon—we often bend over backwards to treat our children fairly. More than eight-six percent of parents participating in my sibling rivalry survey said they try to treat their children fairly or equally.

Practicing the fairness doctrine doesn’t lead to generosity and gentleness of spirit but to grumbling and hoarding. Among siblings, pursuit of fairness as a parent can create conflict, frustration, and disappointment because each child will be constantly assessing everything to make sure things are distributed evenly. Even if you strive for fairness within your family, your children will still find things to pout about, as in “He got more icing on his piece of cake than I did” or “She got new shoes and I didn’t.”

Read more about some areas that parents often attempt to play fair with their children and ways to correct this habit in Ending Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace, available for now on Amazon.com, CBD.com and Beacon Hill Press. 

Comparison Snapshot

The Scenario: Your two kids each insist that you are favoring the other. How can you convince them you aren’t playing favorites?

The Solution: You can’t. What you can do is examine your own motives for the decisions you make concerning the kids. Are you thinking of them as individuals? Are you allowing your feelings of frustration about behavior color your interactions with one or the other? Are you comparing one with another on a frequent basis? Are you holding up one sibling as the “good” example too often?

Spend some time reviewing your own actions and see if you can pinpoint what might be convincing the children that you have a favorite. If, after you correct any behaviors on your part that could be contributing to their feelings, they still howl about favoritism, you can probably chalk it up to the fact that kids love drama, and ignore the comments. Eventually, as you work on keeping comparisons out of your home, they stop talking about favoritism and realize that they’re both your “favorites.”

Excerpted from Ending Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace, available in October. Posted with permission of Beacon Hill Press of Kansas City. 

Comparison and Favorites

Over the next several Tuesdays, I’ll be giving readers a sneak peak chapter-by-chapter at what’s inside my new book, Ending Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace, which is available in October, with permission of Beacon Hill Press of Kansas City.

Parents have been picking favorites from among their children since time began—to disastrous consequences. If you think children are unaware of parental preferences, think again. Whether favored or unfavored, children who know which they are never forget it.

The proliferation of biblical and literary examples show how favoritism wrecks families and sibling interactions. Favoritism rarely has any positive outcomes, and most such tales should be read as cautionary.

Whether we like it or not, all parents have compared their children one time or another. The more we compare, the more we are likely to develop a favorite among the children. While most of us would automatically deny having a favorite, most kids would probably say their parents have a preference for one child in the family. Sometimes, siblings work together to use that favoritism to their collective advantage. I’ve seen this happen in families, where the children will send the youngest child in to ask a favor of Mom or Dad. Sometimes the parents acknowledge they can’t refuse the child anything, and sometimes they will roll their eyes at the audacity of the children to “work the system.”

While we might smile at the thought of kids using “favoritism” to their advantage, playing favorites can tear the sibling fabric. Long-term favoritism leads to resentment, envy, guilt, strife, and a host of other problems, which impact both individuals and the family unit as a whole.

Patterns of favoritism can become ingrained in the family fabric, but the fluidity of family life may help to balance out those preferences. Favoritism can move from child to child, depending on situations in which the family operates. For example, a child could lose favored status because something she does displeases a parent, while a younger child could move into to top spot because an older child leaves home.

Read more about what steps parents can take to largely avoid favoritism in general in Ending Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace, available for now on Amazon.com, CBD.com and Beacon Hill Press. 

Competition Snapshot

The Scenario: Your six-year-old daughter doesn’t want to try anything because her older siblings—a seven-year-old brother and an eight-year-old sister—excel at everything they do. The older siblings receive numerous compliments for their “amazing” abilities, particularly in sports. Now the six-year-old wants nothing to do with physical activities. What can we do to encourage her participation?

The Solution: Stop asking her. Counter-intuitive? Perhaps, but pushing her to do sports is likely not to help the situation. Ask her—when her siblings are not around—what activities she’d like to try. Then see if there’s a class or group in which she, and she alone, could become involved. Don’t allow her siblings to attend the class or group; let her have this all to herself.

Then to lower competition in your home, don’t talk so much in a family setting about how well the older sibs are doing. Ask different questions about their sports that change the focus from them to someone else, such as “Who did you think played well today?”

Also make sure you’re not contributing to the competitive atmosphere by praising your older children too much. This should help your younger daughter find her own special place and also help your older children realize it’s not all about them and their “amazing” abilities.

Excerpted from Ending Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace, available in October. Posted with permission of Beacon Hill Press of Kansas City.

Competition

Over the next several Tuesdays, I’m giving readers a sneak peak chapter-by-chapter at what’s inside my new book, Ending Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace, which is available in October, with permission of Beacon Hill Press of Kansas City.

Sibling competition has been around as long as there have been siblings. Rivalry marred the relationship of the very first sibling pair, Cain and Abel. Cain’s reaction seems to indicate that he viewed the offerings to the Lord as a competition between himself and Abel. Cain’s disappointment at God’s rejection of his offering triggered his anger towards Abel, whose offering had been accepted by God. Cain refused to heed the words of the Lord to guard his heart against sin. That refusal led to the first murder ever recorded when Cain killed his brother. Competition among siblings can have a similar devastating effect.

Competition often begins as soon as a new sibling arrives at the home. The new, often younger, sibling wants what the older sibling has, while the older sibling wants the younger sibling to go away and leave him—and his belongings—alone.

If you read any books about child rearing and/or sibling rivalry, you’ll find that most child psychologists and parenting experts contend that competition among siblings is merely their way of vying for parental affection and love. But in attributing competition among brothers and sisters to merely an unvoiced or perhaps unconscious desire for parental love is to miss the larger, more harmful reason for this contest: Our innate desire to have our own wants and needs fulfilled first.

Some parents further complicate the issue by insisting that competition in the home is good practice for kids because it can prepare them for living in a dog-eat-dog world. Others view competition as a way to get ahead in life, to become a “winner” instead of a “loser.” Again, what these views fail to consider is that pitting children against one another does little to build them up into responsible and respectful adults.

While both views have a grain of truth, overall, our homes should strive to be less competitive and more cooperative, less focused on winning and more centered on respecting and loving each other.

Read more about how parents can reduce unhealthy competition in their homes in Ending Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace, available for pre-order now on Amazon.com, CBD.com and Beacon Hill Press. 

Servanthood Snapshot

The Scenario: Your teenage children—two boys and a girl—have been teasing each other mercilessly. Their banter starts out light and funny, but soon digresses into mean-spirited verbal punches. You want to restore their interactions to a more loving and caring place. What can you do?

The Solution: Try a “teasing fine” coupled with a “blessings jar.” Decorate two mason jars, one with the words “teasing fine jar” and one with the words “blessings jar.” For the “blessings jar,” cut slips of blank paper and put the paper and pens in a basket next to the jar.

Then gather the children together to explain the new “game.” For every time one of the teases another—no matter how benign the words or intent—that sibling must pay a dollar into the “teasing fine jar.” Then all siblings involved—the teaser and the teasee—must take a slip of paper and write down something they like about their siblings. Fold the paper and put it into the “blessings jar.” When the “blessings jar” has a good amount of paper, bring it to the table after dinner and pass it around for everyone to pull out a slip of paper and read the blessing.

These two ideas—tying teasing with a fine as well as writing down something they like about the sibling—should eventually greatly reduce the teasing and encourage more loving interactions between the siblings.

Excerpted from Ending Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace, available in October. Posted with permission of Beacon Hill Press of Kansas City.

Thinking the Best, not the Worst

Over the next several Tuesdays, I’m giving readers a sneak peak chapter-by-chapter at what’s inside my new book, Ending Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace, which is available in October, with permission of Beacon Hill Press of Kansas City.

Do your children regularly perform acts of charity toward one another? Most of us would say no, but being kind to one another should be the hallmark of brothers and sisters. Why do our kids treat one another with meanness instead of kindness, with a shove rather than a helping hand, and with harsh words instead of a sweet spirit? Because of their own sinful hearts, yes, but also because we have failed to instill in them how to truly love one another.

Today’s world encourages entirely too much focus on self, and it’s a daily struggle to help our children turn their hearts away from themselves and onto others. Before implementing ways to teach children to think well of each other, parents should first take the pulse of their household. Observing kids when they think no one is looking can be eye-opening. The dynamics of their interplay can appear differently when grownups step back and stealthily pay close attention to them.

To check the barometer of your household, take a week to watch your children with your full attention. How your children treat each other when no one is looking says a lot about how rife sibling rivalry is in your household. As you observe from a distance, ask yourself these questions:

• Do your kids share easily with each other most of the time?
• Do your kids talk kindly to each other most of the time?
• Do your children help each other on their own most of the time?
• Do your children play together or spend time together voluntarily most of the time?
• Do your children do nice things for one another without parental prompting most of the time?
• Do your children defend each other to outsiders most of the time?

These questions can help you consider your children’s behavior toward one another. Note the qualifier most of the time. Everyone can have a bad day—that’s why you should do your observing over at least several days to gather your observations. sometimes. Remember that you shouldn’t expect perfection or altruism in every single interaction between your offspring.

Read more about how parents can guide their children in thinking the best, not the worst of their siblings in Ending Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace, available for pre-order now on Amazon.com, CBD.com and Beacon Hill Press.

Say No to Your Kids

By Dinah Bucholz

Say no to your kids? That’s not what I was taught in a positive parenting class. No was the answer only if I had a really good reason. Therefore, my default answer should be yes. Saying no to your kids defies the conventional wisdom, which holds that saying no is negative, and who wants to be negative?

Unfortunately, that is one of the worst pieces of parenting advice ever. Hearing no frequently—and a lot more often than they hear yes—is good for kids.

Being often denied what they want builds character. It teaches kids to delay gratification. It teaches them to be grateful. It protects them from turning into spoiled brats. Most of all, it teaches them to say no to themselves, the most important no of all.

Image courtesy of zirconicusso/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Saying no only works if your child knows you mean it. Therefore, when you say no, stick to it. If you say no and then give in, your child will learn that no doesn’t really mean no. No means that if he whines some more—and throws in a tantrum for good effect—that no will eventually transform into yes.

But what if you say no, then you’re sorry you said no?

Let’s be honest: A parent only feels guilty about a hasty no when the child reacts. Imagine if you tell your child, “No, you can’t have a cookie now.” And your child says cheerfully, “Okay!” and runs back outside to play. Are you going to call him back and say, “Oh, you know what? I changed my mind! You can have the cookie after all.” Of course not. You won’t give it a second thought.

But if your child starts to whine, “I’m so hungry. Just one cookie. Just one, please? Please let me have just one! I promise I’ll eat my whole dinner. Please? Please can I have a cookie?” And on and on. That’s when you’ll start thinking, “What’s the harm in just one cookie? Why did I even say no to that?” That’s when you start second-guessing your decisions and ultimately reversing them. You must realize that the only reason you regret your decision is that it made your child uncomfortable.

Being denied more than being fulfilled teaches kids gratitude, because they stop expecting to receive whatever they ask for and don’t take things for granted as much as kids who get what they want most of the time. In the end, the less you give your kids, the better off they are. Teaching your child to delay gratification will serve him well in life. If you tell your child he can’t have the cookie now, he has to have dinner first; he can’t go out to play, he has to do his chores first, you are setting him up for success.

One of the best things about children not getting what they want when they want it is what it does to their character: they simply will not be spoiled brats. Some children seem to be incorruptible—no matter how much they are given, they remain sweet and unselfish. They happen not to be my kids.

Save your children from this terrible fate by saying no often and sticking to it. Say it with confidence. Say it loud and say it proud!

Dinah Bucholz is a New York Times bestselling author and a relationship coach specializing in marriage and parenting. After trying to apply all the famous liberal parenting methods out there and utterly failing, Dinah transformed her crazy and chaotic family through the methods of John Rosemond’s Leadership Parenting Institute.

The Importance of Getting Along

Over the next several Tuesdays, I’m giving readers a sneak peak chapter-by-chapter at what’s inside my new book, Ending Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace, which is available in October, with permission of Beacon Hill Press of Kansas City.

We’ve forgotten the importance of getting along with one another, especially brothers and sisters, focusing instead on the rivalries that often crop up. Such conflict has been a hallmark of sibling relationships since the beginning of time. Biblical examples of this abound. Cain killed Abel because he was jealous that God accepted Abel’s offering and not his, that Abel was first in God’s eyes. Jacob wanted to be the firstborn and so he tricked his twin Esau out of his birthright. Sisters Leah and Rachel had their share of disagreements over their husband, Jacob. His father’s favoritism of Joseph triggered jealousy and hatred in Joseph’s brothers.

Literature also has numerous instances of sibling rivalry. It’s no surprise that Shakespeare frequently turned to sibling conflict in his plays. King Lear shows the father provoking his three daughters to compete for his love, while sisters Bianca and Kate fight constantly in The Taming of the Shrew. As You Like It has two sets of siblings in contention with each other: Oliver and Orlando, and Duke Senior and Duke Frederick. On film, sibling conflict has been played for laughs (Step Brothers, Stuck on You) and drama (The Godfather series).

Many famous real-life siblings have had public conflicts. During the 1860s, before John Wilkes Booth shot Lincoln, the actor was embroiled in a rivalry with his older brother, Edwin, also an actor. John lost the battle for supremacy on the stage to the more talented Edwin, but he won a place in history with his assassination of a president. The Andrews Sisters—that powerhouse trio of LaVerne, Patty and Maxene of the 1930s and ’40s—played nice onstage but clashed loudly off stage. The feud between actresses and sisters Joan Fontaine and Olivia de Havilland took root in the 1940s. The pair had still not spoken to each other in decades when Fontaine died in late 2013.

Twins Ann Landers and Abigail Van Buren—dueling advice columnists for many years—had a relationship that waxed and waned in terms of rivalry for most of their adult lives. Brothers Peter and Christopher Hitchens—both writers—publicly, and with animosity, disagreed on political and religious issues. Liam and Noel Gallagher, brothers in the British pop band Oasis, allowed a tiff that started in 2009 blossom into a years-long feud that eventually led to the group’s disbandment.

As these examples show, sibling rivalry can cause lasting rifts that destroy relationships. The ripple effect of unresolved sibling conflict goes beyond the brothers and sisters directly involved in the fight to the rest of their family and even friends, too.

Read more about why parents should care about sibling rivalry and why it’s important for parents to help their children overcome those tendencies in Ending Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace, available for pre-order now on Amazon.com, CBD.com and Beacon Hill Press. 

A Sorry Battle

Q: My 4-year-old daughter has begun to stop saying “sorry” recently. Here’s an example:

Child throws a toy and hits Mom

Mom says: “Ouch!”

Child stares silently at Mom.

Mom says: “That hurt Mommy. Are you sorry?”

Child shouts: “No!”

Mom says: “When we accidentally hurt people, we apologize and say we’re sorry.”

Child responds: “I will NOT apologize, Mommy!”

Mom says: “Okay, you are going to stay in your room and think about how you hurt Mommy. You can come out when you are sorry.”

Child cries, goes to room and comes out 3 minutes later.

Mom says: “Are you sorry?”

Child says: “No!”

We go back and forth for 10 to 15 minutes until she will finally say she’s sorry. I’m tired of fighting with her on this. Is this a phase and will it pass?

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

A: Whether this is a phase or not, this will only end when you stop playing the game. More than 90 percent of the time, children don’t “feel” sorry—that’s something they need to be taught. You’ve been clouding the issue somewhat by advocating that she only apologize when she feels sorry by asking her if she’s sorry.

That approach has led to a battle over whether or not she will say she’s sorry, and it’s become one that is taking its toll on you both. So, let’s forget about the “sorry” business for a while and focus on the real issue at hand: her disobedience. You can help curb that by changing the way you talk to her.

First, stop asking her if she’s sorry. Start telling her that she needs to apologize. Practice this when she’s not done something for which she needs to apologize. For example, in our house, we have the child (or adult—goes both ways!) to say exactly why they are apologizing, as in, “I’m sorry I threw a toy that hit you” instead of just “I’m sorry.”

Second, when she refuses to apologize, simply send her to her room for the rest of the day without her favorite things, then to bed directly after an early supper. The catch is that even when she wants to apologize after being sent to her room, you must accept the apology and still enforce the punishment. You want to avoid sending the message that if she says she’s sorry, she will get out of the consequences for her actions.

Yes, this may appear to be an over-reaction, but you need to send a message that obedience is expected the first time and that apologizing is important. Nipping this in the bud will keep it from mushrooming into an even bigger problem, of which you’ve just begun to see with her current behavior.

Email Sarah if you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog.

The Changing Face of Families

Starting today and continuing for the next several Tuesdays, I’ll be giving readers a sneak peak chapter-by-chapter at what’s inside my new book, Ending Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace, which is available in October, with permission of Beacon Hill Press of Kansas City.

As a society we’ve changed our expectations of child rearing—that raising children is so difficult that fewer kids makes things easier for all involved. In reality, being a sibling isn’t unusual. Estimates indicate around 80 percent of people have brothers or sisters. What has changed in the last half century is the average family size. U.S. fertility rates reveal that large families used to be the norm in this country. In 1800, the total U.S. fertility rate was 7.04 children per woman, according to the U.S. Census Bureau. By 1850, that number had dropped to 5.42, before falling even further to 3.56 in 1900. The U.S. fertility rate continued to decline throughout the first half of the twentieth century before rising briefly to 3.53 in 1960 (the baby boom generation). The rate bottomed out at 1.77 in 1980, then slowly rose before leveling out early in the twenty-first century. The U.S. Census Bureau puts the total U.S. fertility rate at 1.88 children for 2012, below the 2009 rate of 2.05 and under the replacement fertility rate of around 2.1.

Those statistics underscore that the desired family size has fluctuated over the years. In the United States, the typical early nineteenth century woman birthed between seven and ten children. The Gallup organization, which has gathered data on what Americans deem as their ideal family size since 1936, reported that up until 1957, the majority of Americans wanted families with three or more kids. The number of kids per family dropped between 1957 and 1978 to an average of about 2.5 children, around where it hovers today.

A mere decade later, more women began having only two children which meant the number women having more than three children dropped. Census data shows that in 1976, 59 percent of women between the ages of forty and forty-four had three or more kids. Three decades later, the percentage of women in that age group with three or more children had decreased to 28 percent. Nowadays, in the United States, two children per family has become the number-one choice, with 52 percent of adults surveyed by Gallup in 2007 saying that two kids were the ideal number. Part of the switch to smaller family sizes can be attributed to the fact that more children live to adulthood in twenty-first century America than in the not-so-distant past. As recently as 1900, a U.S.-born baby had only a 50 percent chance to reach adulthood.

As our ideal family size has shrunk, our view of how children should be raised has become more complicated—and with that, the expectations of who children should behave toward one another. By all accounts, families with multiple children are experiencing more sibling rivalry than in the past. Parents are frustrated and concerned about the battles that erupt on a frequent—even daily or hourly—basis in their homes.

Read more about how family size expectations contribute to parental reaction to sibling conflict in Ending Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace, available for pre-order now on Amazon.com, CBD.com and Beacon Hill Press.

Bully or Boyish Behavior?

Q: Our nearly 9-year-old boy has been having trouble with one of the boys in his Sunday school class. This particular boy simply won’t keep his hands to himself, always touching his arm or pushing on him in line, etc. We’ve told our son to inform a teacher, tell the boy to stop his behavior, then push back if the boy is uncooperative. However, our son refuses to let an adult know about the behavior and this boy usually ignores my son’s requests to stop. What should we do? We’re worried about bullying.

Image courtesy of Prawny/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

A: In my opinion, one of the hardest things for a parent to figure out is whether or not a child is being bullied—or is bullying someone else. You are on the right track, although I don’t agree with answering physical behavior in kind. Pushing back or hitting back will likely escalate the problem and could possible land your son in hot water, too.

Keep encouraging him to tell an adult when another child won't stop a physical behavior and/or name calling despite your son's efforts. Try role playing with him to help him find the words to express his frustration or anger. Kids often respond to situations better after practicing how to handle themselves.

Also, it’s no surprise that this boy won’t listen to your son about stopping his behavior. Kids often don't listen to other kids--otherwise, all families would live in harmony without sibling conflict, right? Practice with your son saying, “Stop pushing me” or “Do not hit me” in a forceful tone of voice.

Your son does have another option: he can remove himself from the situation by walking away. This can help both parties calm down and regroup. If a teacher asks why he is moving, your son can say that the other child won't leave him alone.

Finally, talk with your son about putting himself in the other child’s shoes. Help your son to see what’s annoying behavior and what's really bullying. Encourage him to think about why the other child is doing what he's doing. Is that child not as self-aware of his actions? Does that child seem mean or just wanting to be friends, as some children rough house more than others?

We’re so quick these days to jump on the bullying bandwagon that we’ve, at times, blown out of proportion incidents that are not true bullying or labeled a child a bully when said kid is really just socially inept, for example. Teaching our kids to think about the other person, even when that other child is not being kind to them, helps build character.

Don’t misunderstand me--I’m not advocating ignoring bullying. What I am advocating is having a kind heart, one that overlooks small annoyances and grievances, one that seeks the good in others rather than seeking to have all the good for oneself. By teaching our children kindness in the face of provocation we will equip them to help make this world a better place.

Email Sarah if you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog.

A Generational Connection

In my article, “5 Ways to Encourage Your Kids When Grandpa Has Alzheimer’s” on Crosswalk.com, I talk about the importance to help our children stay connected with a grandparent who has Alzheimer’s or is physically incapacitated. This blog has some additional things your children can do to stay connected with an ailing grandparent who lives far away.

1. Record a song or story. There are many ways to record sound these days, so take advantage and let your kids record an “album” for their grandparents. Just make sure grandma has the right equipment to play the recording.

Image courtesy of photostock/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

You can also ask the grandparent to do that for your kids. Several years ago, my mother recorded herself singing old children’s songs and also reading classic children’s poems. I had the cassette tapes transferred onto CDs and my children still love to listen to their Nanny.

2. Write a story. Tell your children a bit about their grandparents childhood, then let them devise a story featuring the grandparent as a kid. Handwriting the story will add a special element but you might need to add some corrections if spelling will hinder the reading. You can use the material to create a memory book for your children and future grandchildren with stories from your parents’ childhood, too.

3. Send handmade gifts. What grandparent wouldn’t like to receive a painting made by a child in art class or a ceramic flower pot crafted in school? Sharing some of your children’s artwork and crafts done in school would brighten a grandparent’s day—and help keep your house from being overrun with school clutter.

4. Make a photo album. Have your kids put together mini-albums with photographs you’ve taken of them. They can write simple identifications or do a more elaborate scrapbook. This especially can aid a grandparent’s memory and provide another way for the two to connect during in-person visits.

What are some ways you help your kids stay connected with their grandparents?

Until next time,

Sarah

Food Fight!

Q: What should the general management of my 14-year-old daughter’s behavior toward food be? She is not overweight but this might become a problem area as she grows up. Right now, we monitor her food consumption by regularly directing her not to eat a particular food or how much of something she should consume.

It seems that if left to her own devices, our daughter would consume way too much junk food. Right now, she eats fine at meals prepared by us, but there is always an argument after dinner about dessert. Both of us eat very healthy and it’s difficult to see her choosing “bad” foods over good ones. Should we keep monitoring her intake or let her eat what she wants?

Image courtesy of Victor Habbick/
FreeDigitalPhotos.net

A: Food is not something parents should be debating or arguing with their children over. Reading between the lines of your question, I sense that you realize this and that’s why you’re wondering how or if to step back. With a young teen, you should be starting to withdrawal from the more hands-on approach of the elementary school years and transitioning into the mentoring approach of the teenage years. Here’s an approach to the food issue that will help move you more to the mentor side and yet still retain some input into your daughter’s food choices.

First, if she’s not already, have your daughter cook at least one evening meal a week. She should plan the menu and shop with you for the ingredients. You can set general guidelines (such as one meat dish and two vegetable sides) but be careful not to micromanage the process.

Second, your daughter should be expected to eat what’s served with no substitutions. If she doesn’t like something, she can either eat it or not. She won’t starve if she misses an occasional meal.

Third, you should only buy the kind of snacks that you wish her to eat, such as pretzels instead of potato chips. Simply tell your daughter that if she wants a particular snack, she needs to purchase it with her own money. At 14, she’s old enough to baby-sit or pet sit for neighbors, etc., for extra cash.

Fourth, resist the urge to lecture about food. Sure, you can have discussions about food, but don’t harangue her. Visit local farmer’s markets or area farms to talk about seasonal foods. Discuss ingredients and read articles together about food. Watch cooking shows together and talk about different techniques or menus. There is so much information about food these days that you can find common interest that will serve to connect you both in a positive way.

Finally, recall your own misspent youth when it comes to food. Haven’t we all made bad food choices as teens? I well remember Oreo binges that make me shudder today. Keep that in mind and go easy on her. She’ll likely outgrow this if you don’t dig in your heels too deep.

Email Sarah if you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog.

School Expectations Equals Happy/Unhappy Parenthood

With school now begun all over the country, parents are gearing up for another round of “My student must excel.” This goes beyond the desire all of us have to see our children do the best they can with the skills and abilities God has given them. Many parents are sure that if they just help their child to succeed in school (elementary to high school), their child will attend the right college and find the right job.

However, the “right” college degree that doesn’t guarantee the “right” job. Today’s sad truth is that more Millennials—the current generation of college graduates—are living at home with pricey college degrees without work entirely or without a job in their chosen field of study.

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In a Washington Post opinion piece published this summer, Robert J. Samuelson wrote about this newish phenomenon of graduates, but his focus was on how the parents of these Milliennials felt about having their sons and daughters boomeranging home after graduating from university. He wrote about how baffled these parents are, especially given that “as parents, our sense of self-worth depends heavily on the success and happiness of our children.”

The problem with that mindset, that our parental self-worth is closely tied to our children’s success and happiness, is that it doesn’t make anyone happy or successful. That sense that our self-worth as parents depends on the success of our children drives our parenting decisions of today. But what many parents miss is that tie-in makes it more about the parent than the child, more about appearances than about character, more about the superficial than the ever-lasting.

The expectations we place on children from kindergarten (my child must be reading before entering kindergarten or he’ll be behind!) to high school (my child must take advanced classes or she’ll not get into the college she wants to attend!) form the basis for our own parental happiness and our children’s success, or so we think. What I would posit is that we need to return to a time not so long ago when parents realized that school success—or lack of success—wasn’t a reflection of their parenting but a picture of how their children choose to use the gifts and abilities they have. Some kids will squander their talents while others will soar to the heights. Most will scamper along in the middle, which should be perfectly acceptable to us and to them as long as they are not sliding along but doing their best.

So let’s all scale back on our scholastic expectations for our children and become more relaxed about the beginning of the school year. By not acting like the world will collapse if our children are not at the top of their class or taking all the accelerated courses possible, all of us should enjoy the academic year a lot more—and possibly have more fun, too.

Until next time,

Sarah